Oh yes, seen how lawyers can be quite selfish and cold. It's definitely a "game" they all play and I do understand they do have to form a pretty hard shell. It isn't about true "justice" for them either. They have to learn how to be very detached and just do whatever they can to "win" their case, even if they feel their client is guilty. Insurance company lawyers do everything they can to get out of paying out, that can and will include prolonging the process in hopes of the plaintiff growing weary enough to give in and either walk away or settle for a fraction of the true worth of the case.

That being said, they have to be this way because people do and will sue for anything these days. So I am aware of that. But because of that, when someone really "is" hurt and wronged, they end up suffering through a long process that as with me, can do a lot of damage because it literally keeps the trauma I experienced "in the now". I have not been able to have closure to this for, as I mentioned, 8 years now and counting. And what has been hard for me is that the case becomes most active when I need to "try" to work so I can feed the ones I have left and continue to pay on the debt my neighbor created for me, as well as "try" to earn money so I can get therapy too.

Reminders are constant for me, every month I have to pay on the debt four times a month too. I went from having perfect credit rating to god only knows what it is now because I could not keep up with the debt and literally had to beg to get on hardship programs which left me with "no credit" that I can access in case of emergency.

The other problem I have is that because so much trauma happened "here" on my farm, the farm I loved and worked so damn hard to create, is now one big trigger. It was so bad at one point that all I could do is stare out the window totally detached, not even understanding "why" I was like that. It's very hard to actually "be" in the now when there are so many reminders of "then" all around me. I did not understand that, no one expects to experience that, not like like that.

I have had to work very hard at understanding all of this. I do share whatever I learn, even wish I had the help to understand when I was trying to understand it so I share what I learn because one thing I know very well is how lonely it can get. I know all about the fog, losing track of time, disassociating, not sleeping, wanting to get away somehow and asking that question of "why can't I just" like I used to. Even that question of "where does one start" too. Oh, I know all about the anger too, I can definitely say I have plenty to be angry about too.

I work at it "One day at a time", and I do have bad days, but have realized that when I have them it means something and to be patient with them. I cannot say enough PATIENCE with self is a must and that YOU REALLY DO DESERVE IT.