I really loved my little farm, it is off the road and has a nice little pond just full of fish and turtles and all kinds of life. I have not seen another place I like as much either. I put a lot of time into it on my own too, crawled around all of it clearing it and building stone walls myself too. I am not in a place where I can give up anything or remove. I think that is because so much was "taken", does that make sense?

I don't know what I am going to do, move, stay, Idk. I want to finish this case first. And I do love the ponies/horses I have left too. I just wish these crappy neighbors would move away.

I believe my neighbors will push to try to buy it, they had mentioned early on they liked it better than their place and wished they had seen my place before they got theirs. The thought of them getting in my home makes me sick.

I put up a no trespassing sign, he tore it down, admitted he tore it down because "he" did not like it. He told me a lot that day, and what he really meant is he doesn't want to respect "my" boundaries. He doesn't respect boundaries, that is the kind of people they are and they are used to getting their way too.

I don't give up, I don't know why exactly but I don't, if I leave it will be because "I" want to leave and not because I need to "run from" him. You know even here at PC, I was triggered a lot when I joined, never did anything like it before, never had the time to either. Oh, I thought about leaving, even changing my PC name too. But you know what, that doesn't change anything, it doesn't help me "learn" and I sure had to do that, I had to see what triggered me and work through it each and every time. I was really struggling, did not share just how much either, did not share that I was seriously suicidal either at one point.

I did feel bad when I was struggling so badly, all I could think of is "oh how awful that people struggle like this" and there was this little light that kept burning of "I must understand this so I can help others with it". People have said to me, "OE, you need to be more selfish and do things for yourself". Well, you know what? I always have done just that, however, I just always like "helping" others in productive ways so I was doing something I liked doing, people just could NOT get that about me. I had a child psychologist come out with her grand daughter and after she watched me with her grand daughter told me that I should go back to college and "become" a child psychologist because I was so gifted. But, that is what I had been doing, but just differently than how she practices. I taught them privately, and paid attention to whatever challenged them and worked on it through teaching them about riding. You see, children can learn a great deal by "doing" and seeing the way they can gain by doing, not with a gold star amongst many, but a gold star within themselves. I also taught them to "see" the pony, which in turn helped them learn "empathy and appreciation" for other living things too.

I don't have PTSD because my neighbor is a "disrespectful jerk", I have PTSD because I stood there and witnessed so much of what I loved and worked so hard for destroyed. They were not "just" ponies to me, I trained and worked with all of them and I loved them like I love children. They were so good for children and they were appreciated for that by me and the children. They had a presense in their eyes, a presence that happens when and animal is loved and appreciated.

My daughter's show horse, well, she loved him so much he too has that presence, and he grew to "love" people and he was so social with people. He was so damaged that he was no longer capable of showing and competing. He did not feel "safe" on my farm either, always worried about the dogs next door, it was very obvious, so much so that I had to put up this black stuff that is supposed to be used for under gardens that comes in a roll that I used to block his view from seeing my neighbor's dogs. This is a horse that had NEVER been afraid of dogs, never worried about them and saw them alot too.
You know where he is now? He is at a therapudic riding academy where he is a therapy horse, and is loved because HE LOVES and HAS THAT PRESENCE about him that is "yes" irresistable. No reminders of dogs there as is the case here on my farm.

My daughter DESERVED to enjoy all the work and time and money we invested in him. She had just graduated from college, got a good job and was so looking forward to being able to compete more with him because it is so expensive, but now she was going to have some money to do that. No, it just got taken right away from her because of my neighbor's carelessness.

We had to remortgage our home to buy this horse, I worked very hard so she could have him and keep him in training and learn and teach him all that he knew. The big question the opposing attorney has is his appraised value. Well, this opposing attorney has NO IDEA how much work and money it takes to produce this kind of athlete that my daughter worked so hard on.

Oddly, because his appraised value is so high (An appraisal done by a professional appraiser), the focus is on HIM the most, and while I love him and worked so hard so my daughter could have him ALL THE OTHER ONES THAT WERE DAMAGED were JUST AS IMPORTANT TO ME.
Yeah, well I would like to see these people go out and actually try to find ponies like the ones I had, ponies that were GOOD for little 4 and 5 year olds to ride ALL BY THEMSELVES, and walk, trot, canter and jump and NOT run off with them or get angry if they got off balance and pulled on their bit too much.
A pony that can be PATIENT while parents put their severely disabled child on her back and stand on each side holding that child up while the pony slowly walks to give that child a real pony ride. And do this in ALL KINDS of different places too. You cannot have a pony that spooks or dart off in that kind of scenario. WELL THAT IS HARD TO FIND, and TAKES TIME TO TRAIN.

I never really imagined being put into a position where so many people DO NOT GET THE SIGNIFICANCE of that, INCLUDING PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PSYCHIATRISTS AND PSYCHOLOGISTS.

Do I get a JURY that can possibly relate to that? NO, the opposing lawyers do NOT WANT THAT to happen. Well, that is NOT A JURY OF MY PEIRS. Can I take that jury out and hand them just ANY pony and let them see JUST HOW HARD IT REALLY IS? Then allow them to take one of mine and actually SEE THE BIG DIFFERENCE?

I had both a psychiatrist and a psychologist decide WITHOUT ANY EXPERIENCE WHAT SO EVER with horses and ponies IF I DESERVED TO BE SO UPSET. They did not but instead MISDIAGNOSED ME. Sure, I must be crazy or delusional to think what I had was actually WORTH WHAT I SAID IT WAS WORTH.

How can ANYONE stand in judgement when they themselves HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED what I had/did/worked very hard at achieving? They CANNOT, and it has been blatently obvious to me in every aspect of this battle I am fighting both psychologically and legally.