Yesterday I had a psychiatrist appointment, and it went so wrong. I've been stable for about a month, which is great, but by the end of the appointment I was offended and guilty and blubbering like a baby.

I told my pdoc I wanted to switch from the pharmacy at the clinic to my old pharmacy because they shorted me by 4 whole days and I couldn't pick up until after those four days because they wouldn't let me. So I ran out of all my meds, and some of them have dangerous withdrawals. It was my first time using their pharmacy and it was already such a bad experience that I had had it. So I asked to be switched back to the pharmacy I had been using since 2008. My pdoc's reaction was that he didn't want to work with me anymore if I made that decision, and I held firm, I was not going to put up with their awful pharmacy. Plus it's an hour busride to get there and my usual pharmacy is like 2 minutes away. He said I was making an awful decision and that it would impact my mental health negatively because I'll have to drive to the pharmacy all of the time, which makes no sense because my meds are synced and I can get them all on the same day once a month. He said it was against what he understood as best practice to let mentally ill people use commercial pharmacies. Again makes no sense. Then I told him I got into grad school, which should have been a "Yay great job" moment, but instead he asked where, and I said where and he said, that's out of county, you're going to have to leave this clinic in 3 months anyway so I might as well just keep you as a patient until them. Great, I get to work with a man who hates my guts. He said I was defiant and non compliant because of the pharmacy thing and because I refused to go on clozaril like he wanted me to over and over again, because I don't want to have to wait at their clinic for 2 hours every week indefinitely to get blood tests to make sure I'm not going to die from toxicity, and I don't want weight gain or diabetes, or seizures, or tardive dyskinesia, or rashes, or muscle rigidity, or throat and mouth ulcers or many of the other horrific side effects, but especially the weight gain because I've lost 50 lbs in the past couple of months and have another 64 to go because of being put on too many antipsychotics in the past, and the blood draw thing, because I hate needles, and that's just such an inconvenience. With the one hour bus ride each way and the two hour wait time that's 4 hours out of my day on my precious days off. He thought I was being completely irrational and unreasonable about the pharmacy thing and the clozaril thing, and then he was about to kick me out of his office after only having been there for about 8 minutes when I said "What? That's it, we're not even going to check in?" and his response was harsh and cold so I started crying. I had already felt so bad but he only made it worse. He ended up letting me stay in his office until I stopped crying (almost) and it came up that I have been having a lot of hallucinations lately, and he said I have to get a brain scan to rule out anything neurological and if that comes up clean he's going to change my diagnosis to schizoaffective. Whatever, that's fine. I have whatever I have, but I'm not going to let him put me on any more weight gaining antipsychotics just to get rid of some hallucinations that don't even bother me in the slightest. I consider them a non-problem. Anyway. He's a total d***, and I'm really not looking forward to the next 3 months with him. I think I'm going to just wait until he figures out my diagnosis and then I'm going to go somewhere else, because the whole situation is just ridiculous and unfair to me. I want good care. I feel like I deserve good care. Not someone who's going to disagree with me at every turn and blame me for it. End rant.