You will find that this (some form of mental illness) will try the best of friendships...some will go away and some will survive!

The loss of "Jan" as friend is an incredible blow for me...as a friend and someone to depend on...then there is the fact that "Joe" her husband and I played strategic board games...I'm doubting he will be able to come over...my roommate is best friends with "Joe"...Let's see that also means my daughter and sons loose their children as friends...then "Jan's" best friend and her husband (who also played games with), I will loose as friends...And of course my daugher and sons loose two more friends

I just feel ill and sick to my stomach...I've already let my children know that we will be unable to visit the "Jan's: house the two weeks I am off of work and that we may not be able to see them again. We always taught the children that sometimes our actions may hurt someone so deeply that apologizing will not cure the problem...so I told them unfortunately I did something that I don't think I can fix...

So in one sweeping motion I've lost all those I've cared about as well as my children's closet friends...

I have only one person that I recently got to know better that I haven't driven away...and looking back over the last two weeks...I think I almost did...I talked to my mom today...she knew something was wrong...I usually don't talk to her when things aren't going well...anyway I explained to her that I feel like I just lost everyone in real life who ever cared about me and that I cared about actually being friends with until I was of old age...

With my borderline tendencies this puts me in severe risk...

Anyway I'm starting to babble...I hurt so...I went over to an ex-girlfriends just to have a live person to hug...I feel so alone and abandoned and it is all my doing...it really makes me feel ... well I just use the word "crappy"...for those who have borderline tendencies...you'll know what I mean...