What bothers me to my core is how my neighbors have basically been "protected" when I am the one that has gone through 8 years of not only suffering from the trauma of witnessing everything I loved so much destroyed, but have been retraumatized again and again in so many ways. The term "blame the victim" has been my reality so much that I really do find it unbelievable. It doesn't seem to even matter that I have my neighbor admitting their fence was malfunctioning, or that I have on police record him admitting to tearing down my no trespassing sign, or even trespassing on my property pulling apart/dismantling a stone wall I was building, even admitting that to the police and then saying he did it because he thought it was a couple of inches on his property, which strangely the property line is not only marked with cement markers, but also with stakes and orange tape. And again, he decided to raise guinea hens which are large birds and they are very noisey, he lets them loose, about 20 of them and they are literally running around right where my horses are? Again, he has to be told that he can't do that. Now keep in mind that I am working with very small/young children and think about how something like that can spook a pony to where the pony is caught off guard and a child can fall off and get seriously hurt. I have that on police record too, and this is "after" I have already suffered so much damage from their dog.

I know this lawyer that represents the insurance company has children well, WHAT WOULD SHE THINK OF THAT if she was bringing one of HER children to my farm to take riding lessons? Would she be able to act or behave like I AM A CRIMINAL the way she did at that Mediation? Would she do her best to make sure that there is NO ONE in the Jury that could really relate to me? Because that is what they try to do.

You know, that day that the Dr. of Child psychology that specializes in treating children and is also a college professor watched me with her grandaughter and then kept telling me how gifted I am and that I should seriously consider becoming a child psychologist, I did get mad. I was not really mad "at her", I was just mad that SOMEONE who is actually a PROFESSIONAL actually recognized that I actually "do" love children and are good with them. I got mad because she did not really recognize that I was actually using that in a positive way, maybe not "her" way, but what I did do was also very effective. However, she would have not been able to see that happen HAD I NOT HAD A NICE PONY TO DO THAT WITH. That is a very important PIECE OF THE WHOLE PUZZLE that people seem to MISS. She was all about ME, and yes, that bothered me, because this ALL ABOUT ME would not really be something she would be seeing if not for that PRESENCE that was the whole reason she and her grand child got to have that experience.

This is something that also bothered me a great deal in the horse show world too. This is very expensive sport, it's definitely a game for the wealthy because it really is very expensive. They spend a great deal of money on the horses and ponies their children compete on. Often these animals live in barns/facilities where they have living conditions that are better than humans live in too. However, often these horses are only treated this way because they are "servicing" and they are only cared about as long as they service a need. One day I asked a top trainer that specialized in training the children that come from wealthy homes if he loved the ponies because I could see they were so well trained and obediant with these children. His reply was, "Hell, no, it's the children I love". I thought to myself, "How could a person call themselves a horseman and not love the horses and ponies?" I thought to myself, how can one miss such an amazing opportunity to teach a child to think/look/care outside themselves for a presence outside themselves? To understand that NONE OF THIS SPORT could take place without that AMAZING PRESENCE?

Yes, I saw how often the wealthy were literally "buying" it, and spending huge sums of money on these animals too. But, what became clear to me many times is that often these children were not really appreciating what it means to actually create what they were buying, that they were buying it, and supposed to be achieving on it, but COULD THEY ACTUALLY MAKE ONE UP THEMSELVES? Well, here I was certainly far from wealthy and everything I had that my daughter rode MY DAUGHTER LEARNED HOW TO MAKE UP. That in that process she also LEARNED TO REALLY LOVE AND APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM TOO.

After I stood and watched so much of my hard work so badly damage and destroyed, that I saw my daughter go from totally being excited that FINALLY she graduated from college IN SPITE OF HAVING A CHALLENGING LEARNING DISABILITY, and all the years she put into LOVING AND TRAINING her horse, that she had been SO EXCITED, that she got a good job and was now going to be able to have money to SHOW THIS HORSE that she worked so hard training, that she also loved and appreciated SO MUCH, and she was winning, just starting to get to enjoy the fruits of all her hard work. Then it was taken from her, taken because of my neighbor's negligence??

I did break, had a post traumatic stress breakdown after getting up day after day addressing SO MUCH DAMAGE. Having to figure out HOW I could come up with enough money to have veterinarians access all the injuries. That I kept calling my neighbor's insurance company and upon finally reaching their agent was told verbatum, "Don't do this to them, they are a nice family", and also "I am not going to talk to you, hire a lawyer". I saw my daughter EVERY DAY trying to process the damage her horse had suffered and how that meant HE WAS NOT REALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO ALL THE THINGS SHE WORKED SO HARD TO TRAIN HIM TO DO. And honestly, it did not even matter what the appraiser said he was worth either, because NO MONEY CAN REALLY REPLACE WHAT WAS TAKEN FROM HER. The truth is you cannot BUY THE YEARS OF CREATING A PARTNERSHIP THAT MY DAUGHTER HAD WITH HER HORSE. And, you can't even CLONE IT either, she did ask about that too.

Every day my daughter searched the internet, and I knew what she wanted was NEVER going to come up on that screen. I searched the internet too, and what I lost NEVER CAME UP ON THE SCREEN EITHER, not in ANY PRICE RANGE.

I also found my husband crying in the woods, you see, the pony I had trained for him was hurt badly too. That pony suffered a fractured pelvis, damaged hip joint, and torn ligaments down is leg. This pony was so important too. You see, my husband also had learning disabilities too. He had wanted to work with special needs children, but he did not finish college because his learning disabilites were too challenging. I had wanted to fill that dream of his and found this white pony that I had trained that became his partner that he took out to be around children, including special needs children. While he did work as a builder during the week, he did this on the weekends, and it was clear to me it filled that long ago wish he had but just could not seem to accomplish. He grew to really LOVE that pony, he called him "his buddy". Well, that pony had to be pretty damn special because my husband did not know all that much about horses/ponies. That pony had to be extra special SAFE to trailer, and go to all kinds of environments and BEHAVE and BE SAFE for my husband. Well, THAT IS VERY HARD TO FIND. And there is no money that can replace the relationship my husband slowly established with HIS BUDDY either. So me finding him in the woods CRYING really did hit me HARD. That pony was too damage to be able to do what they did together too.

When I ended up experiencing a post traumatic breakdown, not even understanding what that was, I ended up in this psych ward, and the psychiatrist who had an accent and was from "India" decided that I should not be so upset, and he concluded I had Narcissitic Traits. I did not see that at the time however. I was way too tired, and I could not stop shaking with what I now know as PTS shock chills.

As I have mentioned, I was kept there for nine days and over the Thanksgiving Holiday.
My older sister would not let my mother and father come visit me, and she sat across from me with a cold stare and treated me like I was such a bad person to break down that way. I was sitting across from her having the PTS chills, and being told "I WAS A BAD GIRL". She did not hug me, or express empathy for how much I had lost, that even my own little favorite pony ended up dying, I could not save her, and I sure did try.

My own little pony OH GOD I DID LOVER HER, she was so amazing with children. Every time I used her with handicapped children or taught a little child on her, after the child left I always knelt down and look in her big brown eyes, kissed her on the mouth and thanked her and told her how much I loved and appreciated her, because I really did.
Well, when that dog was out there running around them purposely wanting them to be frightened and panick so badly, she did panick too, and she ended up choking. It created wounds in her throat and that happened to a few of them and they would not eat. When that happens as the throat tries to heal it gets smaller and smaller, making it even harder to eat. And they cough too and if there is damage that damage can get infected to. That is what happened with my little friend and I took her to the hospital and they told me that if "they" treated her it would cost me $14,000, maybe more. I did not have that kind of money. The vet took pitty on me, as he has also seen my daughter's horse and he showed me and my husband how to treat her on our own. He set her up so my husband and I could treat her three times a day through an IV. Then I also had to make a very watery gruel and feed her through a saringe so her digestive track would continue to work too. Every day I would kneel on the stall floor and slowly give her this watery gruel, and she would struggle to swallow it and I would tell her what a good girl she was. Then I would take her for a walk, her neck all bandaged to protect the cathreta in her neck. I would walk her up the driveway because that was shaded. You know, my neighbors would drive by and race by us almost hitting us? One day I stepped out in front of them and yelled at them. They called the police on me and the police came and "basically yelled at me".

Well, after treating my little friend for a couple of months like this, the infection from this damage was taking over in spite of all my efforts. The vein the cathrater was in had collapsed too. I called the vet at the hospital that told me to call my regular vet and have him quickly insert one on the other side of her neck. Well, while I was waiting, I was kneeling on the ground in the stall looking up at her and then she stared right into my eyes with such an intense serious look, it was just like a human serious look. I have to say, I have never had that kind of experience, not like this. She was scared, and yet worried at the same time. She knew she was dying and she was trying to tell me. When the vet finally pulled up, she began bleeding from her nose. Well, my vet told me that her body was shutting down and that the last thing would be her brain. He told me to euthanize her before that took place because it would be painful for her. Well, I walked her one last time and as always she just trustingly followed me to what would be her final resting place. The vet administered the anesthesia medication first, he never got to finish with anything else, she just dropped down in front of me. She was gone, and she was there in front of me, but I would never get to look in her eyes again.

You know I relive that every morning? I did not realize it, that my subconscious does that, that it remembers not only that morning but every morning I had to get up and go out there and address so much damage.

I have been told I am a bad person now in so many ways since then. After I got out of the psych ward and saw the first outpatient psychologist and tried to tell her what I lost and the value of it. She wrote down that I had "illusions of grandeur" and again nothing about PTSD, even though she also wrote down what I had said to her that were again ALL CLEAR RED FLAGS THAT SAYS "PTSD TRAUMA PATIENT".

I finally got the diagnosis from a psychiatrist who actually listened. I did not really know then the gravity of PTSD, I only thought it meant "extreme grief" because that is all I felt. I could not afford to keep seeing this psychiatrist so he told me that I could get my prescription renewed of the Klonopin that helped me sleep without having night terrors filled by my regular GP. Well, when I went to see my regular GP, he came in to the examining room very angry. He sat down across from me and chanted all these disorders and looked at me and said he was not going to treat such an extremely mentally disturbed person. He literally threw my records in my lap in his anger. I did not know what to say, and I got up and was frightened and ran to my car. I sat there and for the first time looked at my records and what was said about me from all these so called professionals I had reached out to for help. Well, the only thing I had ever been told by a psychiatrist was PTSD, well, that was not what my records were saying, and quite honestly I was very confused.

I have to say that in the condition I was in, the last thing I deserved to see was records that were basically saying "THIS WOMAN IS A BAD PERSON". The last thing I should be doing is searching the net to understand HOW BAD A PERSON I AM too.

So, I have had to have therapy with other professionals that actually know what PTSD really is to tell me I WAS MISDIAGNOSED AND MISTREATED BADLY.

When I finally went back to see the out patient psychiatrist to talk about my records, I was struggling, with the typical PTSD confusion to verbalize what had happened that was wrong and that I wanted my records corrected to reflect my true diagnoses. The very last thing this psychiatrist said to me is "You are a very misunderstood person", and TIME IS UP. That is the last time I saw him, and because at that time we had no insurance because of all the debt my neighbor had created for us, that one visit cost me $500.00.

Well, also he had lied to me about how addictive Klonopin really is too. And when I did try to get it renewed with my GP, he would NOT renew it, so as I ran out and began to experience withdrawls so bad, it ended up where the only way I could get it was to go to an emergency room where they would only give me a few pills to hold me over until I could see someone who could write a prescription. It cost me about $1,000 to get those few pills. And even more to see a nurse practioner to finally get my prescription renewed.

So, I have definitely been through a lot of challenges on top of the major traumatic challenge. I understand the confusion about "what is PTSD" and "how do I manage it?". I definitely know first hand that just because a person has some kind of title, it doesn't mean that person understands what PTSD is, what the individual says/behaves like/expresses that are clear red flags that they are suffering from it. I can see how individuals can end up with a list of disorders when instead it is all one disorder, PTSD too.

I have not met one member in this forum that was actually a "bad" person either, or a person that did not deserve to be helped and supported. I have definitely met several that have been misunderstood by professionals who are supposed to know better too. I know very intimately how one can even be treated as though they are a bad person somehow too. Well, they are not, they are genuinely HURT.

You know what I REALLY WANT? I want to sit in a court room and TELL MY STORY because the truth is this case IS MY CASE. I want to talk about the PTSD, I want to talk about WHAT I DID that was DISRESPECTED AND DESTROYED BECAUSE OF NEGLIGENCE too. I don't want to be told to NOT TELL BECAUSE IT WILL BE USED AGAINST ME. That is telling me TO ACCEPT that IF I DO TELL I WILL BE ABUSED. I don't want to PLAY THE GAME either, I want to TELL THE TRUTH. I developed PTSD because I DID WITNESS MY NEIGHBOR'S DOG destroy everything I WORKED HARD FOR AND LOVED. I don't want to be told IT WAS WRONG OR CRAZY FOR ME TO LOVE either.

I want to say out loud to the JURY, that I hung one no trespassing sign as was told by the police that posts my property to warn people IT IS MY PROPERTY and they are not allowed to trespass. That my neighbor not only pulled it down, but tore it up and threw it on the ground. The very next day he popped up while I was feeding and startled me. He said, "YOU GODDA PROBLEM WID ME?" (that is how he talks). Then he told me that YES he tore down my sign because HE did not like it. Then he said, "I know for a fact when that electric containment system went down, the beginning of May". He went on to say, how they had been fiddling with it on the weekends but could not find where it was broken. Then he said, "IT'S YOUR WORD AGAINST MINE and YOU WILL LOSE". He DID admit to the police that he did tear my sign down, I do have that on record.

I want the opposing attorney to SEE THIS MAN AND HEAR HIM too. I want the JURY TO SEE AND HEAR HIM AS WELL. I want this opposing attorney to really think about how she would feel if either she was me, or if she brought her children to me and BE SAFE while I taught them how to ride. What would she think or say if her child got seriously hurt because I HAVE A NEIGHBOR WHO WILL NOT RESPECT what I do and so much so that HE PUTS RISK where a small child can end up SERIOUSLY HURT.

I seriously doubt this opposing attorney that expressed so much negative body language in front of me that day of the Mediation, that would not look at or acknowledge me as though I am the scum of the earth. To see the reality of her behavior FROM MY POV. When an abuser is protected WE ALL SUFFER, not just me.

And I know that when someone has PTSD, they do crave JUSTICE. I know that is one of the strong symptoms that is constant with it.