Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm not exactly sure how to begin so I'll just start with the basics: I'm a 26 year old college student and I feel I've suffered from depression (and a bunch of related issues, I guess) for over ten years. It din't spring from any particularly negative experience (I had a fairly standard, uneventful childhood), one day I just hit puberty and there it was. I can't remember what it's like to be happy or excited about anything. I get no joy from pretty much anything I do in my life
Anyway, during the last 10 years this depression has mostly manifested in me being completely passive about everything in my life, and continuously feeling like I'm wasting my youth, my opportunities, my skills, my money, my time, or all of the above. Also, I've progressively grown lonelier and lonelier - I've never had a relationship (and have pretty much grown to deal with the fact that I will never have one), and at this point have basically no friends. I rarely leave my house and interact with almost nobody outside of my family.
My studies are going very poorly, to say the least. I entered law school at a good university, but I feel like I've wasted the last 5 years because I've pretty much learnt nothing. My grades are atrocious and the way my credits go it's a very real possibility that I'll fail to graduate in the maximum 8 years that the school allows. I should have graduated by now - most of the few friends I had in college have already done so, so now I hardly ever see them. I seldom attend - when I attend, I seldom manage to focus enough to take notes, and when I do I seldom manage to remember to read them. In these 5 years I can't remember the last time I actually managed to STUDY for a test - even with final exams, I only manage to start reading notes the midnight before the test. I can't keep my attention on anything - it's like my mental focus just melts away a few lines into any text. I stay fixated, reading and rereading and voicing out loud what I see in the page or screen in front of me, before noticing I've been repeating the same paragraph for half an hour and have completely failed to make sense of the words.
Needless to say, this doesn't leave me with very high hopes for my future employment. I'm not particularly ambitious - I'd settle with being hired. My school supposedly has a 95% of students finding employment after the first year of graduation - I used to think I was going to be part of that special 5%, but now I'm not even sure I'll graduate.
I've been attending therapy for little over a year, but so far I'm not sure I've made any real progress. I have a god rapport with my therapist, but outside a couple of realizations I'm pretty much in the exact same place I was when I first sought treatment. I went to a psychiatrist and was on Wellbutrin for a few months, but I became less and less thorough with it because I saw practically no effect outside of a really dry mouth.
By now my life has pretty much reduced to going to school (when I manage to get out of bed) and being stuck in front of the computer for hours. The saddest thing? Some of the time I'm literally just stuck in front of the computer. Not doing anything, just sitting there like a zombie staring at my desktop. Outside of masturbation I don't think I get any enjoyment from anything. I used to enjoy drawing, but now I cal barely draw two lines together before growing bored of it. My sleep schedule is a mess, too.
But I think what's bringing me down the most is having practically no scoial interactions, at all. Even when I'm on the computer, I'm not going on online communities, or chatting, or even playing games with other people. I'm always alone. Mostly I think I feel too ashamed of what a ****ing mess my life is right now that I'm too embarrassed to allow anyone to tale a look at what I'm turning into. But even if it wasn't that, I'm not sure I even want to be around other people anymore. I grow bored of people just as easily and quickly as I grow bored of everything else. I'm uncomfortable with anyone who tries to approach me. I tried to shake up my routine a bit in order to force myself into social situations I wouldn't be too uncomfortable with - mostly joining drawing classes and such - but it was no use. I didn't get along with anybody, I just exchanged the minimum amount of words necessary not to look like a freak and then just kept on doing things on my own. I hate being like this.
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