still... projection aside... interesting to think about. found myself cringing at times... but... i think there is a lot to that.

hmm.

it is a hard topic, i guess. i have trouble getting the distinction between experiencing urges / desires and acting on urges / desires. i don't have very good self control. i worry that to feel something will fairly inevitably result in my doing it. i felt like my mother controlled me a lot when i was a kid. i felt like she had the power to induce emotions in me and get me acting them out... i feel like when i experience an intense emotion that often i am compelled to induce them in another and have them acting out... i feel like my feelings are dangerous. dangerous.

in therapy... sometimes the emotional connection is longed for and welcomed. mostly... i kind of avert part of myself, however. don't look. at the beginning i sat very rigidly forwards with my arms on my legs. an attempt to resolve myself to connect. i started to find my arms were so resolutely pressed into my legs that they would go numb and fall asleep. now i sit back. but once again it is fairly resolute. sometimes i fold my legs. connection is hard. feels like there is something dangerous about it. connection feels hard.

i worry that it will be overwhelming. that i'll possess him somehow and he will act out and that that will be my fault.

:-(

i'm scared.

embodiment is hard

:-(

i don't trust him. i don't trust that he will be strong enough to resist my emotions if they get projected onto him (as they inevitably will if i allow myself to feel them). i feel bad for characterising him as weak... but really... it isn't just about my weakness... it is about my mothers immense strength. the immense strength and power and seductiveness of her / my emotions that invade others and get them acting out. i guess i should tell him this, huh. but to do so... risks connection... dammit... need to take the opportunities to communicate with him via email and phone (he said we could do that a bit since he is taking a week off and i'm off next week with conference). easier to talk about it when embodiment isn't an issue. i don't think my mothers / my feelings are all that powerful to control someone for a long period of time... just a few hours to a few days... a few minutes sometimes... just while the emotion lasts...

little me. they were too strong for little me. but he isn't little me and i'm bigger than i used to be too. hard so hard. so hard.

:-(