I'm just going to ramble here because it's already open. I was feeling a little better today. Yesterday I was flat out depressed. Not severely but enough that my husband noticed. I just cannot get the memories of various IP stays out of my head. Various crises. Going as far back as my teens. I keep thinking about the time I spent in a group home when I was 15. How I wish I could have done things differently. That is being triggered by a student though. a student who reminds me of me at that age. I'm just tired. I want to go back to the days before I thought I had bipolar. After my first round of ECT when I just enjoyed the hypo mania without thinking that's what it was and I ditched meds and therapy and SURVIVED. and even thrived. I wish I could do that again. Every night it's a reminder that I'm not the same. And I never will be.

But if I stopped meds my husband would have a fit. He was mad at me for packing them up and missing two nights because I was too tired from unpacking to figure out which box they were in. And yet he wants to have another baby. He thinks I can stay on my meds during pregnancy but they are all category C so I couldn't.

I just want to go back to my previous life when I just lived and didn't obsess and didn't question every action or mood.

I think actually though that this might be PMS because I'm eating practically everything in sight. Even if I'm not hungry. I just want to eat. That happens to me when I'm PMSing sometimes. So it could all be hormonal.

sigh. We all know this comes over me for a few days and then I'm fine. I'll be feeling stupid about this in a couple of days.

I wish the smell of summer would go away! Or at least that I could stop obsessing when I step outside. Mindfulness, right?