Hello guys,

As the title indicates ~ I was once sort of diagnosed with cyclothymia .. well I had a breakdown 5 years ago in which I was severely depressed due to unexpected life events, following a psychosis for some time and when I got relatively stable shrink said I may be cyclothymic. Life has changed drastically since the breakdown .. for the positive.

Ive been traveling to India few years ago then started studying Social work and im 2nd yr now. Its very difficult., the content I have to deal with outwardly and inwardly.. I maintain a job, work like 2-3 days a week... I live with my mother who I love but can't stand, everything she says irritates me.

Generally I am a very sensitive being, and unfortunately I'm hating it because everything is so freaking INTENSE.
I can feel like wanting to touch every tiny bit life has to offer, going on adventures, socializing, just happy and grateful for being able to feel every thing.
Sometimes its just unbearable .. I feel like my body is going to explode, like it can't contain my sensations and emotions.

I've been dating a girl who seem understand me, my thoughts, my beliefs. It was going great.. I was so high, I was creative.. something I never did with girls, I was romantic but I couldn't kiss her because I've never really initiated and I'm fearful in that kind of stuff, always I was initiated on with girls.
Anyways so last time I didn't do it again and then I texted her about how I feel every time she looks at me and how badly I want to kiss her and so on... she said she doesn't know what to say, And itit's pretty much over I'm sure..

The thought that I have to move on - kills me. Im falling in love too easily, and it just hurts too much.

I don't even know what im feeling. Im terrified and afraid of myself.
I can get depressed for 15 minutes ~ wanting to die n just kill myself, and then im suddenly hyper energetic, not happy but all fueled up just to do stuff..
I went for a spontaneous 48 min run, felt good. And then I didnt really feel like it was me running. Not exhausted... not sleepy now (1:50 am) ..just.. im exhausted with feeling this strange.
I'm afraid to do irrational stuff like not showing up for work or university, stoppinf university also comes up.. making contacts with people.. because I really.. just want someone to hug me and say they love me just the way I am.. I need a hug, a long one yeah. I want to hug forever!

I think cyclothymia and me digging in Astrology and stuff like that ia basically a deep desire just to understand my self, what I am.
An aries sun, cancer moon by the way...

WoWorth mentioning; I'm in therapy (psychodynamic) for years now... no meds, no 'active' diagnosis, haven't seen a psychiatrist for many years, and my therapist doesn't think I'm cyclothymic and I think she's wrong really...

My fingers hurt writing so much using my phone.

I just hope someone will read at least anything I wrote, that's all I want. ... I don't feel like I have someone to share these crazy stuff except my therapist and maybe a friend who isn't available for this, for me, for himself actually

So....

Thanks