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Originally Posted by weirdologie
I'm dealing with this exact thing in therapy right now. I have BDD, anxiety, and depression, all seemingly triggered by being bullied in school. So as a college student, I now have a very complicated hierarchy of groups who, depending on how similar they are to the kind of people who bullied me, have a different standard in my mind. For example, I won't deal with disrespect from beautiful girls and young men as much as I'll deal with it from fellow ugly nerds because beautiful girls and young men = my bullies, but ugly nerds = people who always tried to cheer me up after I got bullied. The social order in my head gets very complicated, this is just the most simple example I can give.
For me, a big chunk of this stems from societal problems as well. How we treat women based on beauty, how we treat poor people, etc. For my therapist and I, right now we're working on changing the way I view society and not necessarily how I view myself or how society views me.
This is because:
1.) I actually do value myself. My self-hatred stemed from other people telling me I was bad, but for me, there's nothing wrong with my looks.
2.) Society is large, so it's very hard to change how it views you.
3.) My biggest challenge is wanting what other people have, whether that be their looks, the respect they get, the authority they have, etc. Frequently, I say to myself, "I don't care what hardships they might have in life, I still wish I was them!"
So, in short: I don't change the way society views me because it's impossible and I don't change the way I view myself because I find nothing intrinsically wrong with me. I change the way I view society because really, that's the only option left to get better.
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You are a very strong person. and Forget looks. they don't define you. I suffer from BDD too. and so sometimes i think i am very attractive and am told so. but other time i think i am so ugly that at a certain point i have to just tell myself to give up completely on looks because they change too much anyway.. how can i keep up? so i try to praise myself on whether i am being a good person or not .. and also i tend to have a tendency to scrunch up my face, or put on a certain persona that shows i am a tomboy so who cares what i look like. I wear casual clothing and have cut my hair down to 2 inches.
Sometimes i think i will try to lose the last of my belly fat, get healthy and all of that so that i will look better to try and get a boyfriend. but then when i do that there is still something inside of me that makes me feel like an ugly person.
I am not perfect. i have made many mistakes. I am a recovering alcoholic.. still drink but not as much as before. I do this because i have extreme anxiety and Thought Broadcasting. so the people reading my mind know my every dark thought and all my casual decisions so if i don't do what part of my thoughts tell me to.. whether it be small things like brushing my teeth on time.. or big things like drinking too much or cheating on my ex... they know it all. so i tend to want to give up because it feels like too much pressure but then i get guilt about that too.
I did a LOT of psychedelics growing up and still have guilt about that.
I was in a 10 year relationship and i cheated on him a lot . we didn't get along at all and i don't know for sure if he was abusive but it felt that way. he would jab at my self esteem and self worth all the time, and never forgave me for anything while simultaneously not letting me break up with him.
I tried over and over. over 50 times during the 10 years probably more to break up. but he would always talk me out of it saying he loved/missed me. or that i will never really do it. and i never did. I finally did it on christmas eve. and to be honest i still call him sometimes but luckily he finally gave up! LOL and won't answer my calls!