>>So you can see from this list that I am not just imagining a past of failure – it is there.
Wants2fly, you have fallen into a trap that depression sets for us.
We know that depression lies to us and makes us think negatively about ourselves. But you are thinking that the "lies" aren't "lies" because you have "proof" to back them up.
It is not that depression "invents" things, it is that it
distorts them... it distorts their place in the grand scheme of things, maximizing the importance and impact of all negative events and minimizing to zero any postive things we have achieved.
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1. At my university, out of roughly 60-100 people who go up for tenure every year, 0-2 don’t get it. I was in that teeny, tiny minority of losers who didn’t get it.
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And how many people don't even make it that far, or don't even qualify for a teaching position anywhere? You are a "winner" to them!
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2. I’ve written three books; sold none. Last one was rejected by 50 publishers and 30 agents.
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I've been trying to write a book for YEARS now. I can't get myself focused. You've written
three!!!! That is an incredible acheivement. Plus you have gotten them out there in an attempt to publish them! A lot of people even with a manuscript don't get that far. Getting published is a very difficult thing. Keep trying!
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3. I apply for jobs at newspapers where I would take a 40%-60% pay cut. I don’t have recent clips, which the big guys want. I’ve been teaching journalism – my gosh, doesn’t that count? And no one calls me.
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The job market is very difficult right now. Look at your experience as an asset waiting to find the right position to come along. You are taking an asset and turning it into a negative!!!
Skipping ahead here so as not be just be repetative...
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8. Tried the “talking back” to negative thoughts written exercise. It was momentarily stimulating. Then, whap, back into hopelessness, helplessness, lethargy/fatigue.
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You know you want to feel better and you are trying. This is a very very very difficult thing! Don't punish yourself for not making instant success. Keep trying, and if this doesn't work, keep looking for new things to try.
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Oh, yeah, and the man I thought was an angel for 15 years and the best person I ever knew abandoned me after I lost my job and was diagnosed with lupus... ...He thinks I am impolite to incompetent salespeople (not all of them – just those that bother me telling me what a great deal something is but know nothing about their products ) and wait staff (whom I have the audacity to ask to bring little things like... ...I say please, but he was extremely passive about such things).
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Here you are acknowledging HIS failings, insecurity, and problems, and yet somehow you have his weaknesses entered into the tally of
your failures. That's like being on the winning baseball team but believing that you lost because the team you chose to play against didn't get any hits or runs!
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I think the most important thing is that depression doesn't let us see anything about the positive aspects of our lives.
From what little I know about you I see two things that stand out above everything else.
1) You teach. This might just be me, but teachers get an automatic extra 200 points in my book. I believe teaching is absolutely THE MOST IMPORTANT an honorable profession that there is, and given how underappreciated it is, people who chose to teach are listed very high in my book.
2) The amount of caring, concern, empathy, and support you are providing to your friends is truly amazing. I know that you feel frustrated that there is so little that you can do, but from their point of view, just having someone there may be one of the most important things that they need. Times like this expose your true friends and you are positively glowing in this one. In addition to how wonderful you are to be providing support, you must also have done something right to have become friends with these people in the first place. I think that is one of the highest goals of personal humanity, and it far outshines job, "success", money, celebrity, or any other achievements.
If that were the only aspect of your personality that existed, you would already be exempt for life from the label of "failure".