I have depression, an atypical eating disorder that started when I was a toddler and doesn't have to do with body image, and probably fibromyalgia. I've already tried months of treatment in ED hospitals, acupuncture, therapy, an appetite simulating med, etc etc. I've wanted a feeding tube since I was about 8. I'm going to try essential oils to stimulate appetite and ease depression, but the only other option given by my doctor is to go back to the ED hospital, which didn't help the other 4 times I've gone. The ED is likely due to having a very controlling childhood (as of last week, I stopped talking to my mom) as well as being affected by sensory processing issues and depression. But I'm pretty sure that my malnutrition causes my depression, which then makes the eating even worse. To give you an idea, my typical diet for a day includes chips, soda, chocolate milk, and maybe one small solid item. Maybe 1,000 calories a day. I'm underweight as I've been my entire life. And this is with the appetite simulating med. So here's where the emotions come in. I'm angry that I've had to deal with this my entire life and that I'm struggling to get better despite trying so many things for so many years (I was a psych minor, I study psychology and happiness daily, and I study nutrition daily, so I'm well aware of the science). I'm angry that my primary care Dr's are unwilling to give me a tube, despite the ED hospital, ER Dr, and nurse seeming to understand my need for a tube. I've been working about 20 hours a week but I struggle with that and I think about cutting quite a bit. I've given up on beating the ED and depression right now because both seem very treatment resistant and I don't have the mental or physical energy to continue putting into treatment. I sleep about 14 hours a day because the med makes me tired and it's a good escape from life. I'm trying to maintain as normal of a life as possible by still hanging out with friends, playing piano, and working when I can. But my life has been taken over by the eating. I'm always thinking about the fact that I should be eating, trying to figure out if I can get myself to eat something, and discussing options for treatment and my emotions with friends. I want my life to be different... working about 30 hours a week, being able to lift weights and be active, and being able to focus on something other than the eating. I just fear that if I don't think about the eating, I won't be doing any sort of treatment and I'll skip eating even more so than now. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in this community. I guess I'm aware of the fact that talking to my friends constantly about this is depressing and makes them feel helpless, so although I have a couple close friends willing to listen to me, I don't want to push them away. Any encouragement, sympathy, or advice is welcome! Thank you for reading.