i think you are right, i think he is trying to hold off from pushing me. i have a lot going on in my life, a lot of difficult garbage that has kept me in crisis, of varying degrees of intensity, for months now. Now that i think of it that way, maybe that is it really... that he doesn't want to shove me at all or i might fall over. hmmm...that leaves a dilemma then doesn't it?

how can i form an emotional bond with him if he has to two-step around me so much?

no, it isn't drugs.. i drink too much occasionally as an escape but i don't drink every day or even every week for that matter. i am going through marital problems.. most likely a divorce. Right now it's a sort-of separation. The issues leading up to this point are very complicated...very complicated. i cannot get too specific in case it is found by my husband... even though the facts would be accurate, it would tear his heart out to see me write it out. i can't do that to him even now. All i can say is that our situation is not a typical breakup... it's tragic and sad... and very difficult. We still love each other but i just can't do it anymore. Life was hell for nearly two years.

So, i am often in a mess emotionally... outside of therapy, but unable to connect to it in therapy. It's often the case that i cannot connect to emotional situations after they have happened. If something by chance overwhelms me and i have an intense emotional rxn, it's like it happened to someone else when it's over.

i don't know quite how to approach this... i hadn't considered that the current crisis situation might be an obstacle....

with my former T, which i saw sporadically for a few months, i bonded instantly because i was in such intense crisis all the time.. i was near a breakdown.. it was like grabbing onto a rescue float. But that all went badly.. when i got to my new T i was a lot more stable and not as eager to grab the float so to speak. i don't know how to break that barrier and get that connection that happened so quickly with the old T. It wasn't anything about him or a better match or anything... it was something about where i was at mentally/emotionally. Do i need to fall down flat on my face before i can let him in? what can i do?

hmm... this has given me a lot to chew on. hmmmm....

and yes, i have been very direct with telling him that i need his help connecting... but i have not said either way about how or when he should do that. i guess he is going by feel.

this puts things in a whole different light. Thank you! i am thinking now that another T would be in the same boat no matter how well we clicked. i do so like this guy. He tells me i am not the freak i think i am.

uh-oh... 12:53pm and haven't taken any of the morning meds yet. oops.