I think it has to do with lack of control. If we know someone else is not under our "control" then that's pretty scary; maybe we're not under our control and if we're not under our control, in what direction does "safety" lie?

For me, I know my stepmother was very controlling so I both experienced and was surrounding by "control" issues so that's what I learned? It took a long time in therapy to learn to hold Me and others and what I experience "lighter" and not so tightly. Others are "allowed" to live their own lives/go away from me and it doesn't mean they are taking part of me with them. I cannot be "divided" that way, I will stay together. I don't need to either panic or protest/get angry.