((( sister )))

I can relate to how you're feeling. The disconnection in my case came from the fear of rejection, disappointment, abandonment was always lurking in the back of my mind. If I stayed connected to T it would hurt twice as much when she "ditched" me, so I disconnected myself by getting mad at her for every little thing.

She wanted me to stay connected to her. She made me a tape with ways to keep myself grounded and offered suggestions on how to soothe myself and relax. Her voice at home made me more tense, lol. I felt like she was trying to brainwash me. I won't do EMDR with her even though I trust her. It's all about control.

She also gave me a beautiful, smooth stone that a Japanese artist painted. She told me what the symbols meant but my mind wandered elsewhere that day because they had meaning. I didn't "trust" why she was giving it to me. What did she want in return? What the hell was I supposed to do with her "false" caring? This wasn't what I was paying her for. Where in the contract did it say they'd be caring involved?

You say you feel smothered. I felt intruded upon. I felt like she was trying to unzip my skin and look inside and NO ONE was going to do that.

She would NOT make me feel anything for her beyond a mutual respect.

It took about five years for me to start to believe that she really did care.

I'm still working on it. Don't wait as long as I have.

Rely on T. Get what you need from the relationship. Open your heart.