Thinking of my kids and my husband at times like these makes me feel trapped. If I didn't have them I could do anything even kill myself or move to a new place where ever I wanted to go. This makes me even sadder. What I find that motivates me most is to think of myself. It isn't fair that the things that were done to me has made me the way I am. It isn't fair and it isn't right for me to continue doing these things to myself. It makes me angry that I feel the way I do. I wouldn't allow these things to be done to the people I love so why do I allow them to be done to myself by myself? I don't try to get better for my kids or my husband because they can go on without me. I know this. I know it would be hard on them but they would survive. I do my best to get better for myself because I deserved more growing up and I deserve more now. I can't survive without myself. I know this all sounds so very self-centered and I suppose it is. But all these years I have done everything for everyone else. Tried to make them happy. Tried to be what they wanted me to be or not to be. Where did it get me? I live in a body that is empty at the core, with blackness swirling around and emotional pain that crushes my being. I have no identity because in doing for them I never found out who I am. Now I want to know who I am. I want to know why I do the things I do and how I can change those things. I want to be a person, a whole person, seperate and individual. I want to be a whole person so that someday when I do die I will be able to offer my being up to God and know that my being is mine to give and mine to share, not because they want me too but because I want too. I want someday to be able to say I am me and you are you and we are seperate so we can truly love one another as we were meant to. In doing this for me I will be doing it for the ones I care for because they will recieve love given not in fear for what might be but in courage of what is. Perhaps I am further along then I thought. Or perhaps spending an hour applying henna is healing to the soul because it connects me to the millions of women of the past, present and future who have done the same in hope for what is and will be. And yes, I am feeling quite a bit better.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson