PC this post is quite difficult for me to post, its also not totally sexual infact depression has made the impact. I pray no one will shy away from me, or thnk different of me after readin this, PC is a great place so I don't thin judging will be a problem.

I'm 17 and a male, my depression got out of hand , espcially as of late, I was never ever a cutter, or an abuser to anyone, or myself really, nor did I have any means of "escape". Drugs weren't an option, nor was smoking,drinking, or any tobacco product. I've always been too "far headed" to do those things.

I discovered masturbation as all people do around 13-14, I was always ashamed of it. My highschool freshmen year was wierd beacuse all the kids where so perverted, so curious and always talked about masturbation,sex, even porn and all the above lol. I've never been a guy to want a women for sex, im 17 and have only had 3 dates not even able to consider them girlfriends. All in which weren't lustful rather just friendly and in hopes of love.

Since about 14 I've been looking for "Mrs Right" its blantly stupid of me beacuse I'm young (now 17) and wanting a serious relation. But I sought it as a scape goat, and my anti-drug. Then one day I struck my own moral sin "pornography". We all have different fews on it, I even read many of your fews in the topic here, but mine was clear, I felt women espcially should be given no such crude and vulgar represenatation. Yet..I liked it..

I don't believe I liked "it" exactly because of the sexual lust, but rather what I got out of it, all men and women masturbate "differently" so they say, with that said I found the "best" pleasure from visual nudity, aka porn, whicch since that day has addicted me, and huanted me. I've considered suicide over it, look I know thats dumb but this isn't me, Its been 3 years and daily I crave it, its my drug....a drug that makes me so sinful, so sad....I never wanted to be so junky....

My stress is at an all tim*e high my mucles ache, my heart rippdly speeds up, then I masturbate...then watch the "sin" and my stress is gone....just like a alcoholic drinks becomes drunk and feels "good" for those few seconds then awakes wishing he/she weren't on a hangover and wish they hadnt' killed that young child while driving. While I'm not killing anyone, or making my self sick, I am killing my self respect, confidents, and most of all my respect for humanity, women , and the world.

I beg any women who reads this to know, I respect you....I just don't know what to do.....I hope I'm not destinied to hell........................