Loki- I'm sorry you are hurting so much. If you ever feel unsafe from your own actions please tell someone immediately, go to the ER, call 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. There are many options and I have used several of them over the many years I have battled depression. I hope you have a Therapist or Psychiatrist. If not, please consider getting help immediately. Actuall planning is a BIG warning sign... I want you to feel better- take good care of yourself and let others help. You're worth it!