So for at least the last year, I've just had no interest in sex. I rarely get turned on, and its very hard for me to get in the mood at all.
I've posted previously about problems with sex (penetration) hurting, and I'm pretty sure now that this was a result of not being turned on enough. When I can manage to get myself off before we start, then penetration doesn't hurt so much - and I've even managed to enjoy myself a bit when I can do that first.
The problem is that even with masturbation (manual or vibrator) I rarely seem to be able to orgasm well - or it takes me so long to get worked up and over the edge that it makes it feel more like a chore than anything else. I know it's frustrating my husband, because his sex drive has always been on overdrive, and he wants me pretty much all the time. I can tell it hurts him (emotionally) to have to hold back with me... We used to have such a great and satisfying sex life. I miss it, I want it back, but I have no idea how to get it back...
It's so frustrating because even when he's giving me what I want, and what used to work for me in the past, it doesn't make my body respond like it used to. Case in point: Last night he spent more than an hour kissing me all over, touching, caressing, holding me close, everything I used to love and doing exactly what I wanted - but my body didn't respond. No getting turned on, no getting wet, nothing. No matter how much I tried to focus in on the sensations, or think of sexy things, I just could not get my body to cooperate. (It didn't help that he'd just trimmed his beard, so with every kiss I was also getting sharp pokes in my skin, but that's only a mild irritation.) I end up feeling so guilty and horrible when it takes me forever to get worked up, especially when it gives hubby hand cramps. So then I'm busy feeling bad about it taking so long, so then I'm not enjoying it, so then it takes even longer... ugh
I just felt so awful, all I wanted was to spend a nice evening loving my husband, but my body just wouldn't let me. I ended up giving him head till he got off, and he fell asleep pretty shortly afterwards.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've tried everything. I just want things to be like they were, when everything was easy, I was hot and ready to go all the time, and he could make me cum without even touching me. He used to be able to get me to cum multiple times, over and over again, it was wonderful.
I'm not on any depression meds which would inhibit my sex drive. I am seeing a therapist, and that is sortof helping, in the sense that it's nice to have someone to talk to and get these things off my chest. Hubby and I do talk a lot, we are open and honest with each other, but it's hard to talk to him about this stuff. How do I explain all this without making him feel like it's his fault, or that he's doing something wrong?
Thanks for any advice or support - I could really use it today. *sobs*
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