Wow, you just wrote a great deal of exactly how I feel most of the time. I, too, am bipolar and BPD and have gone through DBT therapy years ago. I am currently in the midst of med changes after two major manic episodes. I kill time during the day sometimes by just zoning out sitting on the couch or outside watching the traffic go by. Somedays I can't even face getting on the computer. You certainly aren't alone. I feel like flushing my meds, too. I'm always so compliant with my pdoc's instructions with my meds, but this time I haven't followed them. He put me on Lithium and after three full days of taking it, I quit. I felt like absolute crap. I don't want to be a zombie. I'm rambling, sorry. Your post just struck a chord in me and I wanted to tell you. Thanks for sharing.