i might complain a lot. but i feel like i am still in high school and i am 31. i have thought broadcasting. and the people are around me are complete a-holes

my voices just said they are "sick"

sometimes i wonder what is happening to me. why do the people who read my mind living in my community act so viciously mean towards me. always in my face about every thought, every insecurity i have. while the voices i hear are actually pretty nice.

does this mean that i really am telepathic and live with monsters and the voices are just part of my brain trying to deal with it?

I mean i have things to improve for sure. but it is the stupidest things these people complain about. some things might make sense.. at least to society. but it doesn't really matter how well i am doing. going to school taking care of my health etc. there will always be some insecurity i have that they can boast about.

i am very depressed.

i did really well didn't drink for 2 1/2 days. but just bought a beer.

i was taking a picture of myself and i thought it looked pretty good or good enough. and they said "she thinks she is beautiful but she is really ugly"

i don't know if they are talking about me as a person. or what. (because at least then they would have a soul) but i can't ever seem to change enough for people to like me.

i shouldn't care because they obviously don't. but i always have a tendency to put blame and shame on myself instead of them

because i believe in Karma. so if i am in this much turmoil i must have done SOMETHING to deserve it you know.

and if i didn't do anything then why does this happen? i mean if there is a god why do people read my mind, and what is the point of all of this? am i stuck in a waking dream? another dimension? what? (now that i am writing this they are sucking up they hate me so they shouldn't play) they won't ever change enough and neither will i. people are mindless animals who only seem to understand as much as my self esteem will allow them. but they are relentless and stuck in their ways of bullying the sick and the week.

i talk to God sometimes but it still gets confusing. it doesn't seem to matter how well i do, how generous.. how perfect.. i would have to be a strict robotic person who only caters to what other people want or what will please them. because i may have insecurities about what i do at times. but if no one was there watching me every second i would naturally do many of these things anyway with ABSOLUTELY NO CONSEQUENCES!

anyway so i go in pof. and maybe i shouldn't i mean no one will ever want to be with someone as crazy as me. but i get lonely. and depressed with life. and things just feel pointless. i don't know what's going on but my voices talk about "punking me up" and i am not sure if they are talking about shaking me out of my dream , or punking me "upstair" as in, taking me to heaven? because my voices can be very light at times but one time i think they said i am going to die in a couple of years. and i can't wait!