As evening falls my depression seems to set in worst. Like I start to slide down a tunnel. I know when I try to lie down, I’m thinking of what’s to come tonight. What voices will I hear, the nightmares that invade my sleep, racing thoughts etc. The most vivid dreams wake me from what little sleep I get. Seroquel will zone you out, but sometimes it locks me in my dreams.

I have a recurring dream, which I’m walking on a path in a beautiful forest. The deeper I go it starts to close in around me, the peacefulness leaves me, and I’m overwhelmed by loneliness and darkness. I hear the creaking of metal coming down from the sky; a gate comes crashing in front of me. I try to get thru and there’s just enough room to squeeze to the other side. When another gate falls, it happens over and over.

My p-doc say’s it’s because I’m BP and can never get anything done. It’s my since of being a failure in dream state and in life. Since PC, I’ve been drawn out; I need to get things out. I read these posts of lives that are tragic and afraid, but they keep pulling them selves up one inch at a time.

I know I’m at home here so to speak; I will not be judged like I am in the real world. Does that make any since? I need this place.

I write the feeling of the moment the hour. I too am sitting here with my LT alone in a room where I stay most of the time; you at PC have become my portal to the world. Glad about that. My wife is out of town on business, so it’s to quite for me.

I’m afraid of cycling down again; I can feel it coming over me. The tremors, a wave of panic and depression envelops me. The headaches come, feel like my body is alive with electrical pluses that are all confused. No one has been able to fix this, after 19 yrs I’m tired.

Can’t write anymore, thanks for just listening. <font color="blue"> </font>