Quote:
Originally Posted by Capriciousness
A couple of things
1. I am so jealous that your mom is there for you and trying to take care of you. I have never even told my mom about Bipolar. The relationship is not good (although in her unawareness she doesn't really know that). And when my cousin was dxed bipolar she had a very um bad reaction. You are really lucky.
2. I do think your music thing is mania driven obviously. But i do think we access some things while manic that we can't and others can't when not. I think in general we Bipolars have a different experience of even every day reality than the neurotypicals do. This does not mean I think it is okay to indulge mania. But it seems music is keeping you out of trouble. And it is serving as a way for everyone around you to have a measure of this mania. However it may now be fueling it so trying to rein it in my have a positive (though negative feeling to you right now) effect.
I know one of my signs I am manic to myself is when everything starts moving in time with the music that is on.
3. Last time I was really manic I did and said things to my best friend that I kinda kept from others and she probably understood more than others how dangerous it was getting. She didn't say anything to me though because she was afraid I would be mad at her. After I crashed and went through everything and gradually realized I was manic in that slow way you start remembering things that occurred in a drunken night and how bad it got, I was really upset with her (didn't tell her though) because I felt like she put her own needs before the need to keep me safe. I still can't believe she didn't say something to somebody about some of the stuff I said.
After being through this with you (yes we are all holding you through this. It is an honor though don't you dare feel bad about it) I am able to even more understand how she felt because I like you and I don't want you to be mad at me. But it is more important for you and your family to be safe.
It seems like the edges of this beautiful mania you are loving so much are starting to fray. You have kids, buddy. Please go to the hospital. Please listen to your mom and husband. Please follow the advice of all of these wise people here. Please. Please. Please.
4. I too have the lesbian pull while manic. Always have. Though I am not a very good lesbian when it comes down to it. If you know what I mean. Ha!
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I am so blessed to have the support system I have, especially in my mom. I realize that is very rare and so sorry for you!
I would have trouble trying to rein this in because I believe that I've discovered the truth. I'm not sure there is anything to rein in. I do understand what you are saying though.
I entirely understand what you are saying about telling some one things and having them keep it to themselves. I was out of my mind delusional, took a six hour shower that I believe was The Lord using me to cast out demons. My husband stayed awake, terrified, but never told a soul. He said I had always been so "normal" and he was confused and didn't know what to do. Now he would scoop me off to the hospital in a flat second, which is why I don't tell him things. I am so sorry for you!
I definitely appreciate all of you more than you know. It is so hard to listen when it feels like nothing is wrong. I see my pdoc this week we will see what he has to say.
Oh and the klonapin worked but not as well I woke up only one time and not for long and pretty much got a full night. I woke up human too, ha! I did take my stimulant this morning I felt like I had to to counteract the klonapin I took this morning. Last night, my hubs was on me like a hawk to lay in bed and try to get to sleep.
That's all for now. Much love to you all!