I can't do this. i want to get rid of all my meds and just suffer. I don't deserve a happy life. I'm not providing details just know I am a truly awful person and don't deserve everything I have worked for. And I don't even ****ing want it. I just want to collapse and die but that's too good for me.

Isn't it worse when you can't blame your actions on an episode? I'm not in an episode. It just turns out that I'm a terrible person anyway.

**** this. I dont want drugs.

I just want to scream curses. I'm having dreams every night of si and just SCREAMINGLY and viciously attacking people. Then I wake up and it's summer. Then I get irritated by an innocent little boy and I can't control my actions. Then I want to die.

And I'm not even in an episode. This is all just me.

No comfort. I don't deserve it.