Seems like an awful lot of self loathing to carry around pent up, over how your children came into this world. Will you and their father utilize a midwife or doula, for your next child?
Did you heal up well, from the incision? I was fortunate with my obgyn, being quite the perfectionist, my incision line is well chatted when nurses have seen it. I was one of the first local patients that had the invisible bandage, maybe the first, after my third.