Quote:
Originally Posted by cashart10
On the way home from my husband's work (we went to visit), I took the Gene Snyder which is both the long way and my favorite way home. Aside from me flying down the road (which was nothing more than by default), it was a wonderful trip. At one point, the clouds looked like they opened in a cartoon like way for me to drive right through. I didn't, obviously, because I had my kids with me but it was amazing to imagine. There is so much beauty and so much potential in the sky. I could drive and never stop. My sister expressed to me today that she is afraid I will leave and never come back. How convenient. I confessed to her that more than once of late I have fought the desire to drive to the beach. To swim in the amazing ocean, to relish in it's power, it's might, it's majesty. She told me I need to come up with a plan to avoid that from happening. How in the hell am I to make a plan to keep from fleeing from here to such a glorious place. Things are falling into place. My life is falling into place.
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Oh dear. I can so relate to this. During my last episode, I thought everything in the world was so ****ing beautiful and felt like I was one with the clouds and the wind and the trees, and I would drive around late at night and listen to music, and I remember once I drove by a park and just had to stop because the park was so beautiful! Just how beautiful the forest was. I tried taking a picture of it on my phone, but it didn't turn out very well. So I just sat there and actually felt myself becoming one with the trees and the wind and the night.
Seriously, the episode was a living hell for me, but there were still moments where I felt so connected to the world around me and thought everything was so beautiful.
I have notebooks full of the world and universe contemplations I had at the time.
I thought I was dreaming. I felt if I could collect enough of the beauty I saw in the world while asleep I could save everyone, make everyone happy, once I was ready to wake myself up and had collected enough of this positive energy (by manically making collage after positive collage) and releasing it.
Sorry for this long rant, but I'm just really relating to you here.
And at the time I felt all these things I didn't understand what was happening to me. I'd never experienced racing thoughts to that extent before. I'd never been that frenzied or wired before. I remember just dancing around to music in the morning with my daughter. (The music didn't play a huge role...but it was still there. It was skrillex for me for some reason.)
Anyway, so I was delusional, and psychotic, and it really progressed fast. And I didn't know what was happening to me. It had never happened before. Even my husband didn't know what to make of it.
At night when I couldn't sleep I listened to music (post rock) and just let my racing thoughts go along with the music, which made them a bit more tolerable, until right at the end.
Just, I don't know, as horrible as I felt, everything in the world still seemed so beautiful to me.
So, I don't know what you should do. I have zero advice. I ended up in the hospital and they put me on a massive dose of seroquel, and that brought me back to reality.
Also - don't feel guilty or ashamed of finding women attractive or watching porn. I'm not christian. So that may be why I don't feel guilty about it. I've had relationships with both men and women (I'm bisexual. Sorry if that's tmi). I just don't want you to feel bad about it. But I have different morals. Actually, if there is a hell, my *** is going there. Lol. Sorry!
Okay, I'm stopping now.
I'm always repeating myself anyway. Big eye roll there. Sorry everyone.