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Originally Posted by raspberrytorte
Oh dear. I can so relate to this. During my last episode, I thought everything in the world was so ****ing beautiful and felt like I was one with the clouds and the wind and the trees, and I would drive around late at night and listen to music, and I remember once I drove by a park and just had to stop because the park was so beautiful! Just how beautiful the forest was. I tried taking a picture of it on my phone, but it didn't turn out very well. So I just sat there and actually felt myself becoming one with the trees and the wind and the night.
Seriously, the episode was a living hell for me, but there were still moments where I felt so connected to the world around me and thought everything was so beautiful.
I have notebooks full of the world and universe contemplations I had at the time.
I thought I was dreaming. I felt if I could collect enough of the beauty I saw in the world while asleep I could save everyone, make everyone happy, once I was ready to wake myself up and had collected enough of this positive energy (by manically making collage after positive collage) and releasing it.
Sorry for this long rant, but I'm just really relating to you here.
And at the time I felt all these things I didn't understand what was happening to me. I'd never experienced racing thoughts to that extent before. I'd never been that frenzied or wired before. I remember just dancing around to music in the morning with my daughter. (The music didn't play a huge role...but it was still there. It was skrillex for me for some reason.)
Anyway, so I was delusional, and psychotic, and it really progressed fast. And I didn't know what was happening to me. It had never happened before. Even my husband didn't know what to make of it.
At night when I couldn't sleep I listened to music (post rock) and just let my racing thoughts go along with the music, which made them a bit more tolerable, until right at the end.
Just, I don't know, as horrible as I felt, everything in the world still seemed so beautiful to me.
So, I don't know what you should do. I have zero advice. I ended up in the hospital and they put me on a massive dose of seroquel, and that brought me back to reality.
Also - don't feel guilty or ashamed of finding women attractive or watching porn. I'm not christian. So that may be why I don't feel guilty about it. I've had relationships with both men and women (I'm bisexual. Sorry if that's tmi). I just don't want you to feel bad about it. But I have different morals. Actually, if there is a hell, my *** is going there. Lol. Sorry!
Okay, I'm stopping now.
I'm always repeating myself anyway. Big eye roll there. Sorry everyone.
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It is nice to know that someone can relate to this madness.
I've never been hospitalized for mania, only depression, but if anyone other than my husband had known how psychotic I had become during my most major episode, I would have been hospitalized. I have also been with both men and women, at one point I thought I was a lesbian. But, that was before I was a christian and I experienced similar guilt from my parents about it. I think their guilt was indeed a big influence in why I started dating guys.
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Originally Posted by raspberrytorte
cash - I just don't want you to feel guilty or ashamed.
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Thank you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by raspberrytorte
And please DON'T feel guilty about the music you're listening to! It's seriously okay.
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I don't really feel guilt about listening to the music. I feel guilt because it is so important to me that I am listening to inappropriate music while my children are around. That is a big deal for me.