By early May I had been feeling really good and my Depression wasn't so bad. I had just finished my Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and my antidepressant (Wellbutrin, 150 mg) was starting to kick in. I finished the semester and did very well on my final papers and exams and earned all A's and B's in college.

But since I've been home for the summer for the past couple weeks I've been feeling really depressed. I plan to do some volunteer work and I've been filling out paperwork and scheduling interviews and stuff so I'm working on it and putting everything in place. But I've just had these feelings of emptiness that I can't get over, and I've been crying a lot, like how I was before I was taking any medication and getting proper help.

But what really scares me is that although having suicidal thoughts daily is my baseline now, the thoughts have been getting much more frequent and intense for the past week, and I am starting to fixate upon one plan.

I'm not scared of going to the hospital, as I had a very positive experience the first time I went inpatient. I'm more scared that going back will mean that my treatment isn't working and that I'm a total failure. I'm also worried that my family will be mad at me and feel that all that time I've been in treatment was a waste of time and money and just be disappointed in me. And my mom thinks that if my depression gets worse again that it might be better if I go to a college closer to home and commute instead of living on campus at the school I go to now...which I don't want to do and I think that would actually make me more depressed. I just don't know what to do and I haven't felt this terrible in months and I don't know why because I've been taking all my meds properly and going to therapy and stuff like I'm supposed to. Any advice or support would be appreciated. Thanks.

- Rycoon