((((((((((((((((((((((((Logden)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so very sorry for your loss and the pain it has caused you and your husband and family all these years. My heart truly goes out to you and the struggle you are going through. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, it matters because you loved your son and what he did to himself and his family is so very hard to comprehend and accept.

No matter how our loved ones die, I think we all go through a time when we feel like we should have done more, of course hindsight is 20/20 isn't it? I'm sure that you and your husband did the best you could do with what you had to work with at the time. Isn't that all any loving parent can do? There is no more expectation than that of any parent. (at least in my mind).

Forgiveness can be a hard thing to find. To forgive yourselves, you couldn't do more than you did, to forgive your son, for being in a state where he could not see more possibilities, to forgive God for allowing this to happen. That's a lot of forgiveness to work on.

So many questions and no real answers....many ideas, many possibilities, but nothing concrete. The only concrete thing I can see in something like this is illness and suffering. Would you be angry with someone who died of cancer? Would you be angry with someone if they died from a car accident? If it wasn't their fault, of course you wouldn't be angry at them for leaving. So why be angry at your son for having an illness that made life too difficult for him to find answers in? Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings here, I'm just trying to ask a question that seems logical to me. You may have already asked it yourself, I don't know.

I'm glad you found PC and posted. I hope you can find strength and peace by posting and getting feedback here. I hope you can be easy on yourself and your son. You deserve some peace. I wish you well on your journey to finding that peace and acceptance. Take good care!

Hugssssss
J