Well I had a really ****ing rough morning. I became consumed by the need to SI. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted to cry but I kept it together in front of my students. But I couldn't resist. I took scissors to the bathroom and did it there. They weren't very sharp so it's just a scratch but still. I'm disappointed in myself and very worried about my husband's reaction. I know he will freak out. He will start screaming that I can't do this to him again and I can't be depressed because I have no reason to be so therefore I need to just get over it and stop thinking bad thoughts.

I know this because this is what he does. He's done it before. And I will get **** for lying to him and not telling him about this little hiccup, which I deserve because he's been asking me for a week now if I'm ok and I've been saying yes, I'm just tired. I didn't want the lecture.

I suppose this is an episode, albeit a minor one. I wish I could at least get the highs as well. Since I started the higher Wellbutrin dose two months ago I was completely stable. Now I have stumbled. But it is minor. I have not fallen.

I think it's sad that I do this to myself. I cannot control the obsessive thoughts. I must be doing something wrong. Maybe I want to be like this. Maybe I like the drama. Maybe that's it. In which case I am an attention seeking baby.

sigh...it's only temporary.