I know the feeling... when my father passed away I felt both a sense of relief( because I naively thought I would no longer be burdened with the" secret"), and grief because he was, after all ,still my father and I loved him.

I had to learn how to seperate the father he could be, and the one I needed from the one he most often was, the one that I hated.It gets easier with time.Be gentle with yourself...

Peace,Sunybear