</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SongBirdandDaisy said:
I guess what I wanted to say was how difficult it is to refocus upon the relationship. I'm just starting to deal with the anger and hurt... Is this going to pass? How am I supposed to work upon our relationship when this is what I see? And yet I'm still expected to "go on". I'm really confused.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Songbird, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have experienced a similar situation in my marriage, and it has not been easy. I don't think this will "pass", the way you are feeling, unless you work on it. It might be easier to stuff it inside and not deal with it, but at some point, it will come out.

For me, I went into therapy when I was faced with this situation. It was too big for me to handle on my own. I was not strong enough to do couples therapy, and I don't think my husband would have wanted to at that point. In my individual therapy, we worked on my getting stronger and also discovering what I wanted from the marriage--whether to continue or not.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It's difficult to figure out what it is I want because I've been so hurt.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I hear ya! Maybe in therapy you could work on the hurt first, and then the marriage question.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just need to get to a place where I can function without feeling so angry and so used.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Maybe a therapist's office could come to be that safe haven. You sound very hurt now and in need of a lot of support. Just a warning--couples therapy will not necessarily provide support, so if that's what you need, seeking individual therapy first is not a bad plan. Or simultaneously try individual and couples. Just some ideas...

For me, it took me a year and a half, two therapists, a lawyer, and supportive friends and family before I was ready to move forward and tell my husband I wanted a divorce. I felt so cowardly that it took so long, but it was so very hard and painful to reach that point. Right now, we are in couples therapy to help us uncouple, and we are working on communication skills that we hope will help us co-parent after we are divorced.

Back to your original question, "will this pass?" Well, I am pretty unmoved now when I think of my husband's dalliances, still ongoing. It's just how he is, and a signal that our two systems of values are irreconcilable. Time to say bye. Your situation sounds more hopeful to me, as your husband says he "screwed up." To me, that shows some evidence of his (maybe) being willing to work on your relationship.

Good luck, take care.

sunny