i think it went ok. im just having a bit of a trust issue. she started with she isn't going to be here next week . then I asked her if she wanted to read what I wrote about last weeks session. she said sure and as I was handing it to her she said "don't you want to read it instead" instant panic on my part and said no . I thought she was going to take the fact that she will read my journal away from me again ,I don't think im ready for that yet. but she said ok and took it and started to read it to her self. she asked me if she has said that she thought my life was perfect because she didn't think that was something she would say . she said that I have been doing well and that she understands that this is not how I am feeling at all. she said this comes from the fact that the internal me has not yet caught up to the external me . she didn't say anything about stopping therapy. I explained to her how I feel like it is all fake .a complete act .that all I am really doing is waiting for it all to fall apart .that it will and had done this in the past . she responded with complete conviction that this time it will not .. I don't trust her confidence in me. I know what is going on in my head. I asked her how long does she think that I would be able to handle walking in a room of people to do whatever I am doing ,teaching ,talking or just hanging out crafting, knowing that they all hate me. in my mind they all hate me on some level and are just being nice. I said over time I am going to tire of always feeling the shame of this and not pretend it isn't there. im going to tire of questioning everyone's motives.it is a lot to do over time. its very tiring. my T said something about blaming myself for my parents and hating myself and if I think it is possible to stop doing that at al . I told her not a chance. I was a horrible kid and did some horrible things. she talked about responsibility and how she agrees that at a certain age a person can take responsibility for there behavior but not a young child .(we were back to that argument) I feel that I was just born miserable and unhappy. she disagrees. at least she didn't argue with about these things as much as she usually does . she disagreed but listened more this time and seemed to hear how I am feeling a little better. she talked about maybe dealing with my level of self hate in therapy. I don't know what that means and I don't know how you do that . my feelings about myself have been there for a long time and I don't think are going to change very easily if at all. I don't know if she is aware of how ingrained in me these feelings are