Oh geez. I may have to strangle someone around here.

So, first. The first project with the external client. We presented to the group, but they seem more interested in the logistics of a partnership opportunity than the design work that we're selling (my group does design work, we're not involved in things like business partnerships at all.) So, yesterday after the meeting, my boss calls me up and tells me not to worry, that they're clearly more interested in the partnership stuff and the logistics (costs, timeframe) of the project, and that's not really what we do, so he's going to let them know and our group will be pulled off of this. Great.

Today, we have a touchbase with the business manager (internal to my company) but with people from another company too (not the client, another partner). There was no reminder on the meeting invite, so I emailed my boss... and thought that he said he was coming. I misread the email. He didn't come. So, I'm stuck on the phone with the manager reviewing changes that the potential-client wants us to make the presentation! And he keeps asking for me feedback, and I keep being vague and sounding un-engaged, because all I can think is, what do I say? I don't think I can tell him what my boss told me (about us disengaging), especially not with a handful of other people on the call, some external to the company. ARGH!

So frustrating.

Afterwards, I email my boss to give him the update, and let him know that I'm unsure of how he wants to handle this. No response yet, of course.

In a separate email (because I KNOW if I add it to the first email, he will not see it - he doesn't read past a certain point in emails!!!) I tell him that I can't make it to the townhall in person, because I'm under the weather. Which is basically true, I feel like crap, I'm tired and exhausted and just yucky feeling. Plus, I've got this other project I need to get stuff done for, and am going to take a few days off for Memorial Day, so really need to get this wrapped up.

He sends an email to the whole team asking us to please try to be there, so he doesn't look bad. I'm thinking, "WTF?" This is one of those HUGE meetings where nobody is going to be taking attendance. Personally, I think he should be happy I'm working to get stuff done, and not taking a sick day just before my vacation, and blowing off this other (stressful, chaotic, internal project that he just decided needs to be done faster than I expected.)

Just, what the heck? You know. I'm not even going to reply to that, because I figure I've already let him know. I don't think that skipping an in-person townhall is a fireable offense. I don't think it's even worth a warning, though if my boss or his boss wanted to talk to me about it, I'd tell them that I was sick... would have taken a sick day but had too much work to do.

Ughhhhh. This would probably be a good opportunity to practice breathing, and not letting stuff get to me, right? It's just... the level of stupidity... makes my brain want to explode.

On top of that, my boss forwarded us a note from his boss' assistant from a week ago (!) with information he needs from each of us TODAY. He knew about this a week ago, and ignored it until today. *Hand banging on desk.*

How long have I not had enough to do? Years, with some brief interludes of busy-ness. I've had a couple of really good projects in the last couple years (hmm, I can think of 2). But beyond that, it's literally been years. We used to have a ton of work to do, and we partnered with a lot of groups internally. Then, several years ago, we got re-organized and the guy who was my boss' boss was an evil jerk who hated our group (no, really, he did). That's when the type of work that I had been previously doing just sort of disappeared. My boss kept saying not to worry, he was working on getting us more work, etc... but nothing materialized. I should have left back then! Then, that guy left and we got this new one (maybe a year and a half ago or so?). Things were supposed to be better. Things ARE better for the graphics team, and for my boss, who LOVES the work we're doing now.

It's so frustrating. And, I really hate myself for staying. And, I hate trying to figure out how to get out of this situation. And I hate that I want to stay for the vacation, and the 401k, and the bonus, and the work from home (despite that being a fairly awful thing for my mental health, apparently).

Sorry. Just... wow. And I'm looking at my emails coming in. The request from my boss was for us to send our 2015 accomplishments so far. What we've done this year. I sent these (three... 2 of which are currently in progress!!!) to him privately. Two people though have replied to the entire group, and only sent what they're currently working on, not what they've done for the whole year. Do they just not read? Do they really not understand that he's not asking for a status of what they're currently working on, but accomplishments for the whole year? I feel like it's completely nuts.

And, I still just don't know if it's any better anywhere else!?

Anyway, thanks for listening. And, thanks for the advice about groups. I do understand what you're saying. But this... these townhalls are just SO incredibly awful and boring. I don't get anything out of them, they feel like a huge waste of time. I don't mind calling in to them, so I can half listen while I work and pay attention if anything important comes up, but nothing important ever does. Maybe it's a bad attitude on my part, but the person talking is... I don't know, at least 4-5 levels above me in the company, there's nothing that she can say that's really meaningful to me, you know?

OK, I need to stop, because I'm making my brain spin more... and I really do feel sick and head-achey today, and don't need to run down the road of how awful everything in the world is, which just leads to more hopelessness and despair!

I'm surprised you don't have an end date for the job! For some reason, I thought most contracting or consulting jobs had that built into the contract? That would make me really nervous too, and might make it feel more like a "job" and less like a "consultation"?

I really do like the idea of not worrying about what happens to the job. Just sort of catching yourself when you worry, taking a breath, and letting it go. That might feel really good, to consciously realize you have no need to worry or stress about this, and to just let it go!

That place sounds pretty nuts... it makes sense that the parent company would be trying to get it under control. Wow! No supervisory approval for purchases? Creating jobs for your friends? Yikes!

You know the worst thing about taking a couple days off? Knowing that it doesn't matter. All this stupid irritating stuff will still be there when I come back! It sort of kills the happy feelings!!!