I have never been diagnosed with a mood disorder even though it's been very clear to me (and my counsellors) that I have some form of depression. A couple of years ago I'm almost certain I had clinical depression because I felt so suicidal and destructive all the time.

But recently it's been different. For example, I'll refer back to last June. I had been okay-ish for the most of that year so far but in June we had a family breakdown that caused me to relapse into quite severe depressive moods and further down the line, in September, I eventually got very dangerously low moods and it lasted until November, and suddenly my moods picked up. I still felt low, if I thought about suicide it would still be appealing but it wouldn't be on my mind 24/7, stealing my every day life.

Then from December to about January/February, I was mostly okay, but felt very empty a lot of the time and felt like I was 'dissociating' all the time, either that or I felt really confused with my emotions. I would almost feel so overwhelmed by my emotions that I would shut down and couldn't pinpoint how I was feeling, or I would be feeling so empty that I would feel everything. If that makes any sense. :S

And then from that time until April, I had been really...good, actually. Felt amazing, inspired by life, everything was exciting and so many nights I didn't want to sleep. It was like all these creative ideas were rushing through my head, I'd have a massive agenda to complete the next day and even the simplest things like an app on my phone or a new song, would make me so inspired and it was like I was seeing the world through a different light.

Then in April, a few things did trigger me to be fair, but my moods dropped again. Really low. I was feeling really really bad and I was so angry all the time, one minute I'd be quiet, withdrawn, the next I would quite literally scream abuse at my family. I felt so guilty and my guilt and hatred for myself made me get worse because I wanted to hurt them so much that they'd hate me too.

I'm still like this a bit now, not as extreme but still bad. This doesn't feel like depression anymore because it's not prolonged sadness, sometimes I feel a massive sense of hope and a beauty in the world. But it doesn't last very long. It's like I have three moods- an inspired mood, a mixed/dissociative mood and a really low mood.

I don't know what this is, I thought bipolar, but I don't think it is because my high moods don't seem extreme enough or prolonged enough to be that. Does anyone have any ideas? I'm honestly so confused... :/