Just....**** it. For real. This depression has now sunk into moderate. I can't stop thinking about self harm. But I've abstained today. Too tired. I told my husband I'm down. He says call pdoc. He says "we can't have a repeat of anything that happened at your mom's house". He's right. Can't continue the cycle. It's all ******** anyway. I should never have to be hospitalized. All the times....they were just me not keeping a grip on myself. Plenty of bp people never go inpatient. And me, I've been 19 times. How utterly pathetic and ridiculous.

Doesn't matter. I don't need ip. Not suicidal enough to act on anything. Just enough to be like well wouldn't it be nice if I were dead instead.

It's all ********. I will feel better then I will feel worse. Then better. Then worse. It doesn't matter.

I'm just talking. Nothing really makes any difference.