I have epilepsy and a history of depression.

I'm in a difficult place and am depressed. Right now, I have to do things like find a job, move, etc. but all I want to do is curl up alone in my room. It's even harder because of circumstances since Christmas. I got a bad herniated disk, which put me in constant severe pain. I had to drop out of school. School was my last ditch effort at getting a career. I have a master's degree, but nothing has gone right. So, I was trying to get a vocational certificate. I couldn't stand up straight, nobody would give me enough pain meds, and it was terrible. There was more than two months of this. I wasn't able to do anything (including sleep) until I had back surgery. Then after surgery I had to take it easy, and was still in bed most of the time. This whole time I was literally alone.

When I started to feel better from surgery I got depressed (I was in too much pain before to think about anything else). Then, a few weeks ago I was in the hospital again for Epilepsy Monitoring (it's a test). I was in for 11 days. I wasn't allowed out of bed unless someone was there for safety reasons. The whole thing went fine, and really wasn't that big of a deal. The problem was that I was in bed again, didn't have to do anything, and people were taking care of me. I felt lousy toward the end, but I was happy being there. I didn't have to be alone and people were looking after me. I need someone to look after me.

When I got home, I couldn't handle it. I felt so alone. I spent a week doing some negative coping behavior (I've stopped). Now I have to take care of all these things in my life that would be stressful under the best circumstances, but I can't handle it. I'm trying, but afraid I can't do it. I have never been able to support myself. Until now I was living on school loans. I have to get a job and support myself. There is no other option. At the same time, I am convinced that I can't do that. I don't think I could do it when I was well, but now I'm depressed and have a hurt back.

I've been more or less bedridden since Christmas, and now I'm supposed to just jump up and do a whole bunch of stuff I can't face.

I'm really, really, hurting. What should I do to get help? My plan was to move then get a counselor, but that seems so far from here, and by then the worst of it will be over. I'm in town this week where the hospital is. I had a test today. When I was done I went to see the social worker about what will happen with my medical coverage when I start working. I tried to tell her what was going on with me mentally, and kind of did, but I wanted to just burst out crying. I'm so afraid. I need someone. I'm not always a mess, but I need some help.