I've been in active addiction for about seven years, six with opiates which I was able to kick myself, but then turned to alcohol which quickly escalated. . . But, the thing is, I haven't been actually sober for my whole adulthood, well even prior to that. . .

Three or four weeks ago, I went to a program here, and filled out a bunch of paper work and they suggested two weeks detox (I have to get off my benzos, I haven't abused them ever but they don't allow them in residential treatment) I'm going, but the reason I've been using, is because well, I just don't like myself.

I find out more tomorrow, which is great and all, but I have a lot of self doubt, and damn, I haven't been sober since I was a young teen, I don't know any different, have no clue what it'll be like, or whether I can be ok with me sober. It's quite a scary thought, being sober in and of itself..

Having free health care is great and all, but with no insurance, the waiting is really getting to me, I get it'll be hard ya, that's probably an understatement, but it's been so hard to keep in mind it's for the best...

Sorry, it's 4 am here, no one to talk to, everyone's sleeping I needed to get this crap out of my head.

Thanks for reading it, if you took the time...