My doctor lists me each year as PTSD, severe and permanent. Lovely, huh? And what are SOME of the lovely events that made my anxiety go haywire? Just a few:
1. worked on a major airline crash with no survivors (only body parts, no bodies). worked in the morgue for 4 months, plus plane pieces were there and personal belongings kept in 3 refrigerated trucks because everything was covered in body fluids and tissue. Anniversary is approaching
2. husband of 12 years used to strangle me (no breath in, no breath out, no noise), smother me and throw hard things at me in bed. Out of bed he shot a gun right past me (causing some hearing damage in one ear), his friend and he held me down and injected me with their drug of choice, and he hurt me. Among the few things he did...before the kids and I left.
3. heard one of my officers get shot at a service station (wearing a vest), and the 3 horrible screams he made. His partner running around the building and unloading his weapon on the car that was squealing away. Officer survived, but heart stopped 3 times.
4. had a friend murdered 2 years after I saved her from drowning, and they never found out who bashed her head in
5. I just passed my 3rd year anniversary of slicing my wrist wide open

So I need help in the anxiety department, and clonazepam works okay at high doses. But now I've got two new stressors that are causing all my other memories to flood back in, and I'm having a difficult time. Thus the doctor's recommendation for Valium.

1. Husband still believes I'm his property, and has spoken of looking for his career openings in my area of the world
2. Had to say "no" to my 18-year old son when he wanted to move back in with me for the third time. So, so guilty. But too stressful. Ended up in hospital the 2nd time because he just pushes the stress too high. But....I'm his mum. And I'm saying "no".

So I'll take the Valium. I don't care if I get addicted in any way. I need to be calm to function, and talking just does not do it. Sometimes meds are necessary.

I'll write something more about my husband later under PTSD. Just what I need right now. I'm going to lose it. I just don't stop shaking.

God bless,
Sandy