Hi, everyone.

I'm Des, a 17 year old girl who's dealing with depression (both year long and seasonal) and anxiety (mostly social, but pretty general too).

I'd hate to start this off saying negative things, because that isn't really who I am. I love art, I have a lot of dreams, I love the outdoors, and I always try my hardest when it comes to really... anything!

The thing is, lately I've been having a lot of issues with my depression in particular. I take medication that works wonders, and I also see a therapist. I've had this system for about 2 years now, and I'm not kidding, it saved my life at the beginning of high school.

If the medicine works and I'm getting plenty of one-on-one help, then I shouldn't have a reason to still have serious issues like skipping significant amounts of school, right...? That's what I thought, too. But lately, skipping has become more and more of an issue for me.

I have a very accepting father who loves me very much and does his best to understand my situation, even if it's confusing. I have a pretty great life, honestly!! But for some reason, I keep having constant thoughts of how going to school is pointless. I know this is a depression thing, so I try to ignore it and go anyway, but lately it's been getting harder.

Having my father call me in sick, simply staying home in bed all day, and feeling like I'm not even there when I DO go to school is what I've been dealing with a lot.

Even the classes I love seem like torture and I just watch the clock instead of really doing my work. I don't hate school. I don't hate my classes (except maybe precalc). I don't hate my teachers. I don't really hate anything! So I don't know what the issue is!!

I was like this at the end of last year as well, blaming it directly on the fact that my depression always gets much worse during winter months. But this has never happened to me before. It's lovely outside and nothing is too awful to not handle, but I just cannot seem to stop myself from staying in bed all day at the least once every few weeks.

I can tell I've been aggravating my supporters and I've been worrying friends and teachers, but I am at a loss of what to do. In past cases of similar things, I really didn't care enough to even worry, but this time I am completely active in worrying about every single thing that will come out of this.

I know I'll be able to pull through, but I'm mostly worrying about my family in particular, especially my father. I hate to worry people, and if I disappoint someone, I'm not sure if I could handle it. If it's my own father? I can't see myself doing anything but sobbing and staying in bed all day, despite being sad about doing that exact thing.

My brother thinks I'm being lazy, my sister would yell at me if she knew about this all, and I'm sure that even my therapist would be disappointed.

I've read forums, blog posts, ask-websites, EVERYTHING trying to find out what to do. But they always say the same thing. "Just doing it was what helped". I HAVE been just doing it. It isn't working at all! I just feel like I would've been better off staying home when I do that!

I don't know what to do. I want to tell someone and ask for help, but I am so scared. The only person I openly talk to is my therapist, and I have to wait until next week to see her. I know it doesn't seem long reading it, but I can barely make it through a morning without thinking that time has stopped.

I have never been this depressed before without giving into apathy. I've been fighting to not reach that point, but I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. I'm still acting the same, but I just feel worse.

I want to do so many things, but I end up just staying in place, freaking out over how I'm wasting my time.

I don't know what to do. My depression is like a different person dragging me along, instead of an actual part of me like it used to be. It should be progress, but it just feels like a hopeless middle point that is almost more painful than where I started.

I'd like more help than people telling me to keep going, despite how much I appreciate the sentiment. I am almost an adult woman. I have hopes and dreams. I see a future for myself. But it's all being held back by my depression.

It's really rare for me to come out and ask for help because I'm so shy, but I can't think of anything. Please, if you can think of anything, give me some advice?

Thank you for reading.