Thank you J.....I'm not angry at my son for having an illness....I'm angry at him for acting without thinking.
I'm angry at him for missing out on the rest of his life. I view his "choice" as an impulsive act driven by drinking brandy, not winning the lottery (the police said the floor was littered with lottery tickets) and the Bears lost.

I'm angry at him for not being here to see his first grandson, and for leaving his loved ones devastated and wondering why. I'm angry that I'm angry again...that his father and I have to go through this all over again...or at least I do.

I tried to talk about "it" at lunch today and my husband said that talking to a professional would only "demean it"....that it is, what it is...and nothing can change it or bring him back or undo the harm. the damage has been done he said and I'll have to find a way to live with it....just as he has.
But then he added..."do what you want..do what you need to do but leave me out of it."

Well, I obviously need to talk about it.

I'm sorry if I sound angry J....but I am.