I hope you guys didn't expect me to stop posting. Seriously, I intended to be done with this thread at least temporarily but today's events decided otherwise. After behaving bizarrely at my therapist appointment, I got lunch (paced around Penn Station) picked up the kids (forgot my nephew and had to turn around to get him). Then I just went home and tried to relax but I was completely on edge and just typing away at the computer and chasing around the kids. Fast forward a few hours and my son and I went to Target. I was a mess. Before long, I was in the middle of a big fat panic attack. I couldn't breathe; I was flailing my hands to fan my face and nearly jetting down the isles. I was certain I was going to die or, better yet, someone was going to kill me. We left. I drove quite inattentively, but we made it home safely. Despite this, later, I went to Walmart because I wanted to see what size ring I wear. I was fine in the store. I got in my car to leave, started driving and then...SLAMMED (yes I said slammed) into a cart. I did quite a bit of damage too. Not a huge deal it seems, except, if you remember, I hit a car a couple of weeks ago. I called my husband to tell him and he hung up on me. I drove straight to my Mama's house, she was in bed but will always wake up for her baby girl . I just bawled. I am still crying. I told her all about my day, that my mood is escalating and turning dysphoric and we discussed my weight. I told her I got on the scale and was shocked. I know that is medicine related but I am not on the big gainers. I told my mom one of the things I like about my pdoc is he tries to avoid the big gainers for me. I don't know if this new pdoc will be the same way and I simply cannot imagine myself any bigger. I also admitted to her that until I am more stable, I don't know if I am a safe driver...this is a very tricky topic because both my family and my sister's family depend on me to drive around the kiddos. Mom told me to talk to my hubs about the driving and volunteered to come to my pdoc appointment (in case I didn't mention it, my mom is awesome). My husband and I did discuss my driving and decided I won't drive at night. He looked at the damage and was pretty upset about it but, since he is a Volvo mechanic, it is nothing he can't fix and he calmed down pretty quickly. Lord just give me strength for tomorrow!