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BeyondtheRainbow · May 22, 2015, 12:19 AM

You have much value left in your life. Don't let the disease lie to you. You are valuable to you kids, your nephews/(nieces?), your parents, your husband, people on here, and I'm sure so many people in your life. You are the one frustrated with yourself, much more than anyone is frustrated with you. That's just the way this stupid illness plays with us.

You probably seemed normal but if you didn't it probably wasn't a big deal. I am feeling bad because I got manicky and impatient with a shoe guy today. I was trying on sandals which I knew was going to be tough since my ankle is still wobbly. I asked for 2 pairs to try and he only brought one and then was defensive about it which made me make that annoyed, rolling eye thing look that he didn't deserve. I did need both pairs but it turned out not in that shoe anyway. And then he was really nice trying to help me find something. (And I did!!). I hate being rude and mania makes me rude.

I have an ok support system. My mom has done extraordinary things (like providing me a home and not making me pay rent for 18 months) but in many ways she isn't capable of being a great support system. When I was forced to admit to her that I was suicidal and had thrown out some razor blades that were for cleaning my stove she got all exasperated and said "You are NOT suicidal!". Like saying it meant it wasn't true. Even after she went to a therapy appointment with me she didn't really believe it and my therapist kind of said I needed to not rely on her to support certain things. She is very mixed up about dealing with our childhood.

Possible trigger:

I was sexually abused from infancy until I was 9 by a grandfather. She found out when I was 2 because she asked a question and I told her, innocently. My parents chose to deal with this by telling my grandparents it would never happen again and that I wasn't to be alone with him. According to my grandma's diary I was alone with him 4 weeks later. I never knew they knew until my 21st birthday. And although it has come up from time to time it is such an impossible thing for her to cope with that when a very young child was raped in the town where I grew up recently she called it "that thing with the little kid".

Or the year I spent Christmas IP she was mad at me and seemed to think I was purposefully messing up Christmas for fun or something. There is one and only one reason they will actually keep you IP for Christmas. There were 10 suicidal people on the unit, all of us high risk. It was NOT fun, not in the least. It was boring and sad. My mom does a lot of what she does out of guilt which is hard sometimes.

I have to finish my swagbucks. Not going too well today and I am getting annoyed with it and I am also not getting sleepy which is a bad combination.
Probably should mark my mood chart

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