mlyn, thank you.

As a teen, I'd go days without eating, but as an adult -- during my second and third episodes of anorexia -- I've always eaten at least three meals a day. How can there be anything wrong with me, since I eat three meals a day, right? I don't have a problem -- I eat three meals a day, after all. You know, the rationalizations. Every so often, I'd add up my calories from my three meals, and come up with about 300 to 500 calories per day, but mostly I wouldn't let myself think about that. I'd just think how good I was being about "eating sensibly", not "overindulging myself" with food, etc, and therefore not getting fat the way other people did. Of course, I'm also fairly obsessed by food -- so that reminds me to eat every day. About two hours before most meals, I start thinking about it, obsessing about it, trying to decide what to eat, etc. I don't think I could just forget to eat, although I do tell my husband that I've "forgotten" to have lunch when he expressed concern that I haven't had it yet at 4PM.

This time around, I'm much more aware of what's going on, but even so can't stop it. Most days, I promise myself that I will eat more, that I will have an extra snack, or that I'll eat a whole sandwich instead of half, etc. But, when it comes time to do it, I can't make myself do it.

A big part of the problem, of course, is that I really don't want to gain weight. I know that we found a good, healthy weight for me about fifty pounds heavier than I am now. At that weight, I don't think much about my weight, or what my body looks like, I don't stress about food, just eat when I want to, and I eat what I want without really thinking about it too much. And I'm healthy, too! Much more energy, able to do things I can't do now, hardly ever get a headache or sick, etc. But even knowing that, I can't put it together with eating more now, or with allowing the needle on the scale to start moving up again.

I just finally admitted to my therapist that I have this problem. I don't know how she's going to handle it, but I know that she will. It's so frightening, though! I just don't want to give it up! Even though I do want to give it up, of course.

Man, this is one confusing thing to be hit by, ain't it? Thanks again for sharing with me.