I posted here one time before and I wasn't going to post again because I thought I had this problem beat. But apparently I don't. I feel like I have OCD thoughts that I have HOCD. I have questioned my sexuality at several times during my life, not as far as I can tell connected with my OCD, but at this point I think I have OCD thoughts that I'm really straight -- even though for most of my life I did identify as straight and even now I'm mostly just... confused.

At one point last year (still questioning everything) I went to a lesbian chat group and had this overwhelming feeling that I had OCD and didn't belong there. I almost left. I came home and posted on a psychology board (not this one) that I was upset because unlike other people I see with HOCD I wanted to be gay (I'm not trying to make light of the problems of being gay in this society, I'm just trying to explain how my brain works.) I said I didn't want all this to turn out to be just OCD but apparently it was, and a person trying to helpful to told me I should just let go of the idea that I'm not straight. So I tried to do that but it didn't work.

The thing is that I have never had a real relationship with a woman, so I may never know the answer. I really wish I could have a relationship with a woman, if I could meet the right woman, but if I don't even know my sexuality it makes everything very difficult. My age (48) also makes it really difficult.

I do the "checking" thing sometimes and when I fantasize about men or look at hot men I think "See, you're straight and you just have HOCD." And I wonder whether I'm really excited by women or just by media images of young sexy women.

But I don't fit the model I usually see of HOCD, because I don't want it to turn out that I am straight -- except I'm not sure if I have good reason to believe I'm not straight.

This is confusing me so much. I end up staying up late on the internet looking at OCD boards and sexuality boards and trying to figure out what's going on with me. And that I'm sure is coming from my OCD.

I went to another lesbian chat group more recently and felt a lot more comfortable. And I thought I had this problem beat but now I end up on internet again trying to figure this out. I know I don't need a label and I know thinking about it too much isn't going to help but that doesn't help me actually not think about it.

(I'm sorry this post is so long. Part of that is my OCD -- I feel like I have to tell the whole story or people will somehow get the wrong idea.)