Almost three years ago on PC this was a hot topic, because so many people were being abandoned similar to now, by their therapist with rupture and no repair. One of the arguments was what if the therapist dies? I put all the arguments on PC out to my therapist. She explained to me that I was bright enough to understand that if she was dead that there, “Ain’t nothing I can do about that." She was trying to get me to think cognitively. The adult me knows life is life, and understands reality. It was the crazy part, i.e the irrational kid part that needed the promise in order to trust. As an adult I was always quite aware that I would not put blind trust in anyone without attaching the realities of life to the situation. We make promises to kids all the time. I did promise my once 3 year old kid often to not abandon him or leave him, or be there to pick him up when he was done with some activity. Well, the gods were angry with me on his behalf the first time I couldn’t pick him up and sent a safe person to fetch him. He survived, and the trust is there only because, he had a safe base to go back. His foundation was solid, mine was not.

The decision to abandon me and the process of therapy would not be made unless we both agreed on it. My therapist would not make that unilateral decision, but we would continue to plug away, until I called it quits and she agreed. That was what I understood from her, my therapist. But, even before this understanding, I set upon being me, and doing what I could to test her. A month and three days before we terminated was the last “fight" I fought with her, about tacking the last big hurdle in my life and therapy (I have two threads: Mission Accomplished, and Happy Ending to Mission accomplished). She survived, we survived, in spite of inadequate parenting. A thought just occurred to me. Every time we started a major chapter of work is when the abandonment fears were the worst, and I was the least cooperative ( forcing her hand to kick me out), she didn’t. A big fear for me is a fear of succeeding.

Not everyone is looking for or needs the, “I will not abandon you" promise. But, many of us that had insecure attachment or disorganized attachment during our early growing years, wants or appreciates that promise in helping us move forward. I could not do the work, because abandonment was so linked to trust and the process of my therapy.

My therapist kept her promise, and reiterated it many times throughout the process, “I am not going to abandon you. The termination of my therapy was not a messy one, leaving me in dark despair, the decades of suicidal thoughts that had become a second skin to me and the chaotic family life that had been mine since conception when I appeared on her doorstep. Her promise was the first layer of cement of my inner foundation to help me move forward in therapy and life. I was an adult with a child, so I had to work on healing my past at the same time I was building our future.

If you think I am difficult on PC, just think what I was in a therapist office 6 to 8 hours a week. I am glad my therapist was solid enough to keep her promise and not abandon me. i do believe there are more therapist out there that are and can do it. Even, within the traditional parameter of therapy. The caveat is that both players have a working definition of the statement, “I won’t abandon you.”

I am sending positive thoughts your way, notwithhaste.