So... I was having a rough Feb due to physcal illness and the realization my relationship of 7 years needed to end. It took an emotional toll and I took a leave of absence from work and was going to therapy 3 x a week. That was kinda making things worse so I went to an intensive outpatient program.

I did okay , after I reisisted for the first two weeks. I made progress. I learned DBT skills (mostly). I went to return to work part time and the first day was anxiety filled, the second day was worse and I left early. I had 2 scheduled days off and then I had another medical situation so another day off. Went to go in Saturday (yesterday really can't believe it) and I couldn't get even use the DBT skills to get dressed.

I've been having intrusive self sabatoge thoughts... mostly about doing drastic things (quit my job, cause a car accident, steal) to.... that would cause a new crisis that would mean I didn't have to deal with the current stress for awhile.

Those ahd been gone for about 3 weeks. I was doing really well. Then I was doing bad and my therapist was out of town for hte holiday so I called a crisis center and now I'm the hospital.

I didn't even think I'd end up here so I did't pack a bag and my ex boyfriend had to bring me stuff. I won't see the "regular" doctor until Tuesday because of the holiday. I voluntarily signed myself in so I can sigh myself out against AMA. But I want to at least talk to the "regular" doctor.

I know my lithium levels were really low so they are increasing that. THey are increasing other meds as well. So far I've only gone to a few groups.

I can have my crhomebook (which is what I'm on now) but it's not my regular computer. I have my phone, but again, not my regular computer. I miss my cat. I want some privacy (I have a roommate but if no one gets admitted and people get discharged that may change). I'm a ....chatty introvert... I like talking to people on a certain level but I need my alone time to recharge and I'm not getting that. Of course that also means I have a tendancy to isolate.

I'm not sure how I feel about being here. There's a thing where I can get items from the gift shop at no cost but that won't go into effect until Tuesday (doesn't run on weekends or I think on holidays). Nto sure what I'd get, but face lotion would be nice and I forgot to ask my ex bf to bring a stuffed animal for me. I'm almost 42 years old and I want a stuffed toy.Mostly just something soft to pet.

He's visiting me soon and I may ask him to get me somthing, I know exasctly what I want.

Don't have any friends in the area or family... I moved to this state to be with th ex so he would be my only visitor. Which sucks.

Mom came to visit me she left on Wednesday. When she was here she said she thinks (and has thought ) I should apply for disablity. I do have a full time job (which I haven't been at since mid march )but it's retail and before that Id din't work for a year because of anxiety and stress over a work related situation. Maybe the job I have on a salesfloor is too much and I need to step down to something else. I don't know and everyone keeps telling me I shouldn't worry about it, but not having an idea for the future ...even if it's just a vague one....makes me more anxious.

Don't really know why I'm posting except to post. I may go wonder out for the art group that's going on,