Maybe, if your T keeps cancelling, you should find someone else to give money to. I get that you feel awful, and suicidal feelings are serious.

But personally, I think your life is worth more than someone who is taking advantage of your vulnerability to treat you badly. I think you deserve better.

Unfortunately, the only way you can get better is if you demand better. And you demand better by letting your therapist know what treatment you expect from her, and if she can't handle being a professional, you no longer need her services.

Because there are therapists that don't suck, don't cancel at short notice, don't reinforce their client's feelings of low self worth by treating them as if they don't matter - and you'll feel better with one of them.