I have been focused on making it until today so I could talk to my therapist and try to figure out what is going on, why I am so mixed, why I feel so much worse than a week ago and if there is anything to help me besides waiting for pdoc to get back to me. I spent a very long time last night making my mood chart into graphs that were demonstrating what I meant. I know how now and it won't ever take so long again but it was a lot of work.

I got up and drove the 55 miles to my appointment. I'm having trouble keeping track of time so I didn't even know this was Memorial day weekend until Saturday and it didn't occur to me that they'd be closed since nobody said anything about it last week. The receptionists used to do that but these are new and I guess they don't know/didn't think and neither did my therapist who also usually reminds me of days off. I realized it was possible when I'd driven so far that it didn't make sense to go ahead and do the errands in the city at least. So I got there and definitely nobody was there.

I left a message I'm not proud of, you can probably hear I'm nearly crying, and just saying that I didn't know so I didn't reschedule and I REALLY need to see him this week if at all possible and since I know his schedule fills fast on holiday weeks if he has ANYTHING in the afternoon on any day to please put me in the slot and they could call me or I'll call them in the morning. It did not sound like a together person leaving a message. And since these are new receptionists they won't know that they should tell my therapist if I call sounding like that because he'll usually juggle things and get me in if he can if I'm in a bad place. I think this is a very bad place.

And I emailed my pdoc who I'm sure is also off so she's very unlikely to get the email (it will be buried in 200 others by tomorrow morning). Which means I'll have to go through doing that again in a few days.

So I just was so sure I'd get help today and it turns out I was confused about time, again. I really hope I get in this week.........I desperately need help.