There were signs. Past couple of days I've been just down feeling. Stopped eating. I don't eat when I'm depressed. Yesterday I think I had a piece of watermelon or something at work and that was all. That's a big red flag.

Now I just want to sleep. Motivation gone. Anxiety intensified.

I'm not fully gripped by it yet I don't think, and I think I may be rapid cycling right now. I hate that.

Triggers: Soon to be in a real doctor limbo land (again) because I don't think my current pnp is going to be able to refer me to anyone because no one is accepting new patients. So I've been really stressing about that. New diagnosis, which is making me feel even more guilt about my daughter because what if she inherits what I have. Seriously, it would be better if I wasn't her mom at all. And I still feel a little shell shocked about the diagnosis thing.

Went to my parents house today. I'm the black sheep of the family. My sister just got this awesome job where she makes a ton of money. I didn't even want to talk about the good things that have happened recently with my writing. I'm just the big fail of the family. My mom asked me twice what was wrong. Second time asked me if I was depressed. And that made me feel worse because I can't talk to my mom about anything. She does not know that I had a serious psychotic break at the end of january or anything. That makes me feel sad, that I can't talk to my mom about things like that.

A religious debate started because my mom asked my husband if he was worried about his soul. I left the conversation. My parents are way religious. Part of the reason why we're not close anymore is because I chose not to follow the christian faith. Big no no in their eyes. I've been told I'm going to hell. My mom prays for us. Which is nice of her.

I've been having some serious suicide ideation lately.

I need to stop this before it becomes even more serious! I know sometimes it can't be stopped. This depression could happen regardless of what I try to do right now. And it'll probably get worse.

Or I really could be rapid cycling and be in happy cloud nine mode three days from now. Who knows.

I don't know. I've written a novel. Thanks for reading.

And if you have any suggestions on how I could prevent this from happening, please share.

Just... the not eating. Not a good sign.

(And I'm on seroquel too. I should be eating an entire buffet. I'm actually, already, losing the weight I gained since starting it.)